One week from today I'll be boarding a plane to fly across the ocean to
Northern Ireland.
It's been four years since I've been there.
Four years ago when I left I felt like God was shutting the door on me returning there.
Seriously. I thought the season of life in Northern Ireland was over.
That my time spent there was done.
Four years later I'm headed back on my advance trip to check out
Young Life Northern Ireland.
(for those you missed it, you can find more of the story that has led me to this point here.)
I am on the verge of making an initial three year commitment with them.
This trip will decide that.
As I write that the number of emotions that flood in me are overwhelming.
Excitement. Fear. Anxious. Sad. Overwhelmed. Thankful.
Excitment
I'm so excited to experience Young Life Northern Ireland. I'm excited to hear and see how I could fit into the vision there. I'm ready to do what makes my heart come alive. I miss doing youth work fulltime. I hate sitting in a cubical every day, it kills my soul. Seriously. I'm excited about returning to a country that holds such a special place in my heart
Fear
What happens next? What if it feels super wierd over there? What if God DOES confirm that I'm suppose to be there? What if it's NOT where I'm suppose to be?
Anxious
It's been four years. What will it feel like being back? What will it be like seeing all my old friends? I've changes. They've changed. How will I handle the questions? Or handle the 'i told you so' regarding my relationship that some would say 'distracted' me? Anxious about meeting so many new people in a short amount of time and the amount of effect and energy it takes to be "on" in those situations.
Sad
There is part of me that is still sad about how the past four years have turned out. The last time I was in Northern Ireland I met him. Will that affect me? My heart still hurts when I think about where he is in life and how events of this summer had forced me into a place of stepping out of his life almost completely. Then there is also a part of me that is sad that I feel like I've missed out on the past four years of people's lives there.
Overwhelmed
I am so overwhelmed with all the emotions I feel and all the thoughts that are running through my head. Overwhelmed with the packing and organizing of myself I need to do before I leave. Overwhelmed with still trying arrang my schedule and being able to see all the people I want to. But also overwhelmed at the faithfulness of God and how He has never let me go the past four years no matter what choices I was making. How he lovingly interviened and broke up my relationship when the time was right and spared me from marrying someone who was not right for me. How in the midst of confusion and pain that God had a plan for all of it.
Thankful
I guess this ties in with a lot of the overwhelmed feelings. But I'm just thankful. Thankful that God's plan is better than mine even when I haven't been able to completely see the plan yet. Thankful that He never let me go, thankful that He protected me in my days of rebelliousness, thankful that I understand a bit of why my journey needed to be what it was. Thank for this trip and the possibilities it holds.
So, there is a brief glimpse into the chaos that is currently in my mind.
Watch this space as I plan (no promises) to write while I am there.
Who knows....maybe international staff with Young Life Northern Ireland was what I was made for.
"You were made for this"
Six days, 22 hours, 42 minutes
till the journey of finding out if that's true starts.
