Am I worth it?

I haven't written for a while. I think because every time I come to write the only thoughts that come are ones I'd rather not share or maybe it's more ones that have brought an amount of hurt. But it's lead me to a place again of seeking God for the answers of "am I worth it?". That's something I've struggled a lot with in the past. Feeling like I'm not "worth it" for people to pursue and fight to be in relationship with. I'm not sure when I first started feeling like that. I hated it. I've come along way since then and sure those thoughts, those feelings float back into my mind often but they are so much easier to deflect.

A lot of that has to do with the journey of the past coupe of years and first hand experiencing that I will never feel "enough" or "worth it" if I'm completely focused on me. So, those moments those thoughts come fleeting back I instead think of how I can love others and help them to feel "worth it". In a non arrogant sort of way, I know I am a valuable person to be in relationship with. I'm not perfect by any means but I genuinely care about others and desire to help them experience the love of Christ through me. Being a single woman in her late twenties I sometimes have those thoughts of whats wrong with me? But really I don't believe anything is. I have a lot to offer someone and it's just not God's timing yet. I know I have been an amazing girlfriend to the guys I've dated and none of them could say otherwise.

Which brings me to the subject of the recent questions of "being worth it". A guy from my past couple of weeks ago entered into flirting with me and I guess basically hitting on me. Honestly, it made me laugh a little bit and then made me angry at the same time. Did he really think I would enter into a flirting booty call? I knew he wasn't interested in pursuing me again. He'd always made that clear. But I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the fact that an ex wanted to flirt with me but I knew in the long run I needed to be careful and did my best to not engage in it. I mean I was finally completely and totally over this guy and there was NO way I wanted to get sucked back into something purely cause I missed having the life I dreamed of with "him".

But then the next week/weekend another guy from my past started texting me more and flirting a little bit. I got kinda excited. This was a guy I would go out with again. This was man who made me feel like a treasure and who showed such patience towards me. But this was also a man who completely broke my heart. The flirting intensified and some comments were said that were slightly inappropriate and out of character of the man I knew. I finally called him out and asked what he was doing and how I was confused. He then told me he was just messing around and would stop. I was mad. And I was hurt. It's interesting how I was so angry at this one but I wasnt to the first one. I wonder if that has to do with the reasons why both break ups happened and how the first I knew there was no question that he was just messing around.

But this one. I think I started hoping that maybe this was the start to the beginning again?! But it wasnt and I called him out. I told him it wasn't okay to get his "flirt fix" with an ex who he broke her heart and ended my little comment to him with "...looks like I'm good enough for exs to flirt with but not actually fight for or pursue...thanks for helping speak into that lie that I refuse to believe."

And I do. I REFUSE to believe that. I don't know why both those things happened right after each other. Maybe it was a test? I think I passed.

I'm thankful that the determining factor of whether I am worth it or not has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Christ.