Lost. Hope. Desire.

***Disclaimer***
 ***This is me rambling and processing out loud the emotions and the feelings of this past week.***
***I didn't reread it. There are probably typos. Get over it.***

I love this because it is so true.

On Saturday I sat there on the couch in the office that I am very familiar with. Determined. Somehow, in the last 24 hours I had found the determination I needed. If I was going to have to engaged in this process, well than I was going to give it everything I have! So, there I sat for an hour and cried during a lot it. It was good to talk through what I was thinking and feeling with someone who has walked the journey of these past two years with me on a counseling level. And she reminded me of how far I have come and how this isn't a step back but just another step in the process. She also gently reminded me that grieving is a process and that I need to allow it to happen to ever be able to move on. It also helped me see that it is a huge possibility that it isn't so much the person in the relationship itself that I'm still grieving but the loss of the dreams and hopes I had within that relationship. And I'm angry about the loss of those things and have put blame and anger on the person for sure. And whether deserved or not, I don't really know but at this point, honestly, I don't really care. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to put the past in the past. I want to forgive and not be bitter that my life didn't turn out the way I dreamed it would when I was with him. I don't want to be bitter that I gave up so much and moved my entire life for a relationship that left me so completely empty and broken. I want to trust that the Lord is bigger than that and sees the big picture when I am unable to.

On Sunday I started house sitting the house that I lived in when I first moved here. A house that has SOOOOOOOO many memories (both good and bad) of this person I'm struggling to forgive and of this relationship I'm attempting to fully let myself grieve. That is why in my last post I made the comment about how timing is interesting. There is no coincidence in all this and I thought that maybe being in this house is my chance to face those demons and memories head on and so I did.

What I'm about to say may sound corny and cheesy but I don't really care. It was important for me to do and something I felt like I was suppose to do. I called a dear friend of mine to come over and we headed down into the basement into the room that had been my room while I lived there. At first I thought I was going to be fine and then as we started talking I felt the emotions start to rise in me. My first reaction was to push them down and not acknowledge them. But it was like my inner voice started yelling me. "Seriously, Jess?! How do you expect to fully grieve and move on if you won't even allow your body to physically feel what is going on in your heart?". So, I did. I let them come and come they did. I kneeled on the floor and cried my eyes out as I poured my heart out to the Lord. I confessed some of my sin from that relationship and the things I know that I did that didn't honor Him, I asked Him to break whatever deep bonds my heart still seemed to have with this person and with these dreams/hopes. But more importantly I ask the Lord to help me forgive and let go. To really forgive with expecting nothing from him....ever....no apology, no affirmation that I did at one time mean something and he still cares on some level and even to the point of never expecting to have him contact me again. Forgiveness isn't something that should be based on conditions or expectations of the other person acting a certain way. It just should be. So, in the midst of all that I found myself starting to pray for him and it is one of the rare times in recent days that I felt like I really meant what I was praying.....a glimpse that maybe, just maybe I'm making progress.

I had counseling homework to do. I had to write my ex boyfriend a letter. Not one I would actually ever send him but just one I could write and express what was going in my head and heart. I was given this same assignment to do about a year and half ago. I knew I saved it somewhere so I dug it up and reread what I had written in April of 2010. Wow. You know those moments where you sometimes wonder why you aren't over something and are upset that you haven't really come that far in a year but then something reminds you of how you use to feel? Yup! Reading that letter was one of those moments for me. It was so incredibly encouraging to see how much I have worked through and how far I have come. And it was once again clear to me that this current process is way bigger than just about the person. Actually, I think that he just plays minor role now. I have given him more power and responsibility in my emotional life than he deserves or is responsible for. Yes, I'm still working towards forgiving him but I think it's gotten a little easier now that I'm recognizing some of the anger/bitterness I feel doesn't have anything to do with him.

There was a phrase this past week I heard that left me with such a sense of freedom. And it's the idea that my job is to enter into in the process and be faithful in that and His job is the outcome. I can't forgive on my own, I can't finish grieving and coming to terms of the loss of these hopes and dreams in my life. But what I can do is be faithful in continuing to walk this journey, no matter how hard and no matter how many tears are cried.

On Thursday, I once again sat on that familiar couch and read the letter I wrote. I cried through some of it and other parts didn't. When I had finished I looked up and gave a sigh of relief as I heard the words "I'm hearing really healthy processing and progress". I knew it had been happening this week but I just needed someone else to validate it.

Which brings me to this.....It has always been a deep desire in me to love, support and share life with someone. When I was with Stephen I got glimpses of what that would look like and was so excited about the possibility of it! And then we broke up and my dreams were, as you would expect, shattered. It amazes me how much I don't understand what is going on within me sometimes. But Thursday night I realized more that a lot of this grieving process I'm still in has nothing to do with Stephen but has to do with the dreams of being with someone. Somewhere deep down in me letting go of these dreams I had in that relationship is so hard because I'm scared because what if it never happens again? I'm too scared to hope because I wonder if I can I deal with that disappointment....again? So, in a way I don't want to be done grieving the dreams I had in that relationship completely because they are all I have. And once I'm done grieving than I have to face the reality of how deep the desire and ache is in me to love someone. And face the intensity of that ache while I am single with no promise of there ever being someone.

And you know what? I'm NOT okay with the idea that I may be single for the rest of my life. There. I said it. I'm really not okay with it. And it's not because I don't think I can be happy and live a full life without it because I would like to think that I am living one of those right now. And it's not that if it doesn't happen then life isn't worth living. I'm just not okay with the idea that I won't one day get the chance to share life with someone in the context of marriage. THERE! I SAID IT! And I feel bad for feeling that way. I feel shame and guilty for even typing it. And you know why because somewhere in me says that if I really feel that way then I am saying that God isn't enough. He is enough but at the same time I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be okay being alone and single. Can both those feelings coexist? I mean they must....since they do....in me.

I spent a lot of Thursday session talking about this and how I need to be more honest with myself and God regarding the depth of these desires. Where have I picked up that this is wrong and not okay to feel? It would be wrong if I was telling God that he better sort all this out in MY time and when I want it to be. But I'm not. I'm not forcing the issue. I'm living a full and busy life and enjoying it as a single person. I don't hate my life. I'm not going out and getting myself a man just cause I don't want to be alone and want to love someone. I'm willing to wait for God's best. I think I've experienced enough heartache in my life that I'd rather be single than with the wrong person BUT that doesn't mean I'm ever going to be okay with the idea. And I could prove myself wrong in the future but currently this is how it seems to be going.....

What an emotional week! But I feel like I'm growing a lot and that's always a good thing. The biggest thing I'm walking away from this week with is how important it is for me to be honest with myself and God. Not matter how stupid I feel, no matter how wrong I know the feelings are and not matter if what I'm feeling isn't true. The feeling is real and there. If I don't admit it and push it down......it's going to eventually explode out. It's amazing how hard it so to not fight and how hard it is to convince yourself the need to fight. But then once you do and once you enter into the battle and the process.......it somehow becomes easier. That happened this week and all I could wonder was why the heck I didn't do some of this before!

But I'm thankful. SO THANKFUL that there is someone who has the full perspective and who cares about the tears I cry. I'm thankful that He can do all things when I can not. I'm thankful that He loves me enough to push me in this journey to make me more like Christ.

The Battle.

You have noticed I haven't really written that much. I haven't done much processing or writing about Africa.  I want to and I know I will but ever since I've gotten home there has been emotions in me that I haven't been able to explain or understand.

Sadness. Depression. Lack of energy.

I thought it was just let down and jetlag. And It probably was some of that but that doesn't explain how earlier this week I went to bed at 8pm several nights in a row cause I just didn't feel like doing anything else. That is not me. That is so weird for me. And I didn't understand what was going on.

I figured it until later this week week. I thought this was over. I thought I was done. I thought I was out of this desert.

But nope. I'm still very angry and bitter and unforgiving. What have I done wrong to be here? What else can I do? I know I can't do it in my own strength....I've never thought that. But it feels God has left me high and dry.

I don't want to feel this way and ever ounce of me wants to be full of forgiveness. But the honest truth is I'm not. And I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tried of the cycle of thinking I'm finally over it and moved on. And then. BAM. Something is triggered and I'm not. And early this week was all about me fighting having to enter into this process again. What's the point? It still wont be over, right? I mean every time I think it is......it isn't.

But what other choice do I have? None. So, right now it's about trying to find the emotional strength and energy to let God drag me back into the heart of the desert.....again.

It's interesting the timing of everything and it's not just chance.

But come Saturday at 4pm.....the battle in the desert begins.

Please Lord, can this be it? Can we win this time? For good?