The Battle.

You have noticed I haven't really written that much. I haven't done much processing or writing about Africa.  I want to and I know I will but ever since I've gotten home there has been emotions in me that I haven't been able to explain or understand.

Sadness. Depression. Lack of energy.

I thought it was just let down and jetlag. And It probably was some of that but that doesn't explain how earlier this week I went to bed at 8pm several nights in a row cause I just didn't feel like doing anything else. That is not me. That is so weird for me. And I didn't understand what was going on.

I figured it until later this week week. I thought this was over. I thought I was done. I thought I was out of this desert.

But nope. I'm still very angry and bitter and unforgiving. What have I done wrong to be here? What else can I do? I know I can't do it in my own strength....I've never thought that. But it feels God has left me high and dry.

I don't want to feel this way and ever ounce of me wants to be full of forgiveness. But the honest truth is I'm not. And I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tried of the cycle of thinking I'm finally over it and moved on. And then. BAM. Something is triggered and I'm not. And early this week was all about me fighting having to enter into this process again. What's the point? It still wont be over, right? I mean every time I think it is......it isn't.

But what other choice do I have? None. So, right now it's about trying to find the emotional strength and energy to let God drag me back into the heart of the desert.....again.

It's interesting the timing of everything and it's not just chance.

But come Saturday at 4pm.....the battle in the desert begins.

Please Lord, can this be it? Can we win this time? For good?