Restless.

The excitement of being gone and back home has worn off. Did Africa even happen? Is this just the let down from the trip? Well, the routine of life has started to set in again in full swing. It is back to normal.

And it's left me incredibly restless.

It's that feeling of I was made for more than the the life that I am experiencing now. It's the feeling that there is something big just up around the corner. Or is that feeling more of just a hope for that?

Something about Africa, about the missionaries we met, about doing international ministry again stirred something in me that I haven't felt in years. It was an excitement, it was a moment of this is what I was made to do, a thought of I could do cross cultural ministry for the rest of my life.

Gasp. Did I really just say that? Where are these feelings and desires coming from? God, is this you? Or is this just my high from a missions trip experience? All these thoughts and more were swirling around my head during my trip. Is God leading me into a season of starting to pursue this? Has the past couple of years just been about setting me up for this now? Could it be possible that God had to remove my intense desire for international ministry all together so that He could place me in the ministry He would want me to go with? So that I would have some more life experience and experience His faithfulness in despite and rough times?



Bangor, Northern Ireland



Then something happened a couple of days after I got home. Something that I didn't think ever would again. I was searching around Young Life's website and saw Young Life Northern Ireland. WHAT! No way. It's only a volunteer club and I have no idea how active it is or anything about it. But it's in Northern Ireland. And it's in Bangor. I know where that is. I went there all the time. And I love Young Life. I would love to go somewhere in the world with them. But they are in Northern Ireland! And in  area of Northern Ireland that there isn't a Youth for Christ which is important to me cause I wouldn't want to feel like competing with another organization. And it's far enough away from where I was before that it would feel like a new start and a new adventure. But at the same time not a new start because I know the country, I am familiar with the culture, I adore the people and my heart has been broken for the youth.

Then I felt it as all these thoughts started flying through my head. No, it's not possible. Seriously? It's back. I haven't felt this since the start of summer 2008. It's that excitement and that desire but not just for international ministry but for ministry in Northern Ireland.

I think I started crying. Is God leading me back there? Is it possible that when I felt that call back in the summer of 2001 to Northern Ireland that it wasn't just for those three years I had been there?

I don't know but I do know one thing the next couple of months will be spent praying. A lot of praying. And my spirit will probably remain restless with the longings and desires that are being stirred up that leave me holding my breath.