Surrendered Heart

Tonight, I've spent my evening doing something I haven't done in a LONG time.

"A cheesy date with Jesus"

No, seriously it's super cheesy - dark room, candles, journal, music, tea, chocolate, the works. I actually forgot how much intentionally giving the Lord an evening like this feeds my soul. I really needed this tonight and I really need to write this blog to help process the emotions inside of me.

How do I explain this emotional heart journey I've been on since returning from Northern Ireland. I left Northern Ireland feeling so confident and at peace with the decision to say "yes". I know that decision was one that the Lord used the past year of my life to lead me to.

The weekend after I got home, I went to Frontier Ranch in the beautiful mountains for our Young Life leader weekend. While I was there, there was a moment where the reality that this really isn't a done deal hit me hard. Young Life Northern Ireland has to say "yes" and they have not made that decision yet. It was then that I realized that I no longer knew how to proceed in this process with open hands. This whole past year I have continually prayed for the Lord to lead and guide each step towards the result he wanted for me. Regularly, I would pray with a surrendered heart and offer back up the dreams and my desires of my heart.

But now that I said yes I no longer knew how to surrender the dreams and desires that had been built up by my trip and my stepping forward with a decision. How do I be okay if the final decision is a "no" when I feel like He has so clearly led me to this point? I struggled and struggled with that thought and idea a lot during the weekend. 

During our last worship session together I knew I needed to open my hands and surrender again. I knew that I needed to make a profession of faith to God through that. So, I choose. I choose that morning to get on my knees, to hold my hands open, and to once again laid all my dreams, my hopes, all that I am completely before the Lord. I prayed that the Lord would move and direct the hearts of the men who were now making the final decision and that the Lord would give them complete peace in whichever direction they choose. I asked God to prepare my heart for whatever that decision would be. And, that if the answer was no that He would help me still believe that He is good, that He loves me and that His plan is better for me than anything I could think or imagine.

I wish I could say that it's been easy the last couple of weeks to live in that head space. It hasn't been. It's been constant struggle to keep my hands opened and lifted high. 

I think the hardest part of all of this is that I  know I have sought the Lord so earnestly and felt Him so clearly lead me to the place I am now that I will have a hard time understanding if it is a no. I could write out a lot more of my thoughts on that but honestly I don't want to spend time trying to process something that has not yet happened and potentially may not. That has been a struggle the past couple of weeks, to just be in the present in this season of waiting.

There was a day last week where I failed miserably at that. I let myself get caught up in my fears regarding the situation and emotionally freaked out. I sat on this couch, before the girls came over for Bible study, and cried out to God and told Him that I didn't know how I was going to handle the end result of all this. That I was scared I would be mad at Him and wouldn't be able to get my heart to believe that He is still good despite not understanding the reason He led me on the journey that He did.

That night during Bible study a really good question was asked........

So, let's say that God told you that He would give you your dream guy/girl or your dream job but there was one condition, He would not be in it.

Would you still want it? Would you still take it?

My first gut reaction surprised me.

With no hesitation at all, it was a very strong "hell no".

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that down in the depths of my heart, no matter what, I want to be where God is and where He wants me. And it is that desire that I've been clinging to every time my mind starts wandering to the "what ifs". 

The reality of the situation is that I have pursued God faithfully in this journey over the past year and have stepped out in faith and made the decision to say yes because I feel so clearly He has led me to do so.And while the ultimate decision is completely out of my hands, it has never been out of the Lords. I know that either way the decision goes will not be easy but I also have complete faith that it is the right one because it is the Lord who directs my steps.

Tomorrow at 2:30 I'll be skyping with YL Northern Ireland to hear their decision. 

This is why tonight needed to be a "cheesy Jesus date night".

I want to go into tomorrow's conversation with a humble and surrendered heart to whatever the Lord has in store for me. No matter what, I will choose to believe that He is good, that He loves me, and that His plans for me will always be better than my own. 

That has been my prayer all night.