Growth through Disappointment: "Trust Me"

I've sat to start/finish this blog a number of times over the last two months. But now it's time. It's time for me to write about it and as I've said before, this blog is more for me to process than for any of you reading it. But thank you for caring enough to read the ramblings of a girl who's just trying to faithfully follow the journey the Lord has set before her. So, welcome to a series of a couple of blogs to share what the Lord has been doing in my heart over the last two months.

I recently read my last blog but it means something different now that I have insight of knowing what the answer was going to be. I still got choked up remembering the emotions and feelings of that night. Remembering how genuine my heart was in earnestly surrendering all my hopes, desires, and dreams before the Lord in regards to this situation. And then the answer came and that answer was "no". But I don't really want to focus on the "no" answer I received from Young Life Northern Ireland. I don't want to ramble on about how my heart was crushed and how confusion over the reasons flooded my mind. I don't want this blog to be about how I have had at it out with God numerous times about not understanding why He allowed the past year to play out so clearly to end in this result. Maybe one day but that's not what I want this blog to be about today.

What I do what it to be about is what I've been learning through this season.

That Wednesday morning of "D" day, as I drove to work the thought popped into my head "Jess, what if God can be more glorified through a no than a yes?" Ummmm, GREAT! That's not what I wanted to think. Not at all. But that's what has stayed with me and come back to mind time and time again since the "no" came across that skype conversation. It is as if I have felt this "high calling" in how I responded and handle myself in response to  my utter disappointment and confusion. Would I fall into the arms of Jesus with my questions, my longings, my confusion and even my anger? Or would I allow myself to become bitter, throw everything to the wind and make choices that I would regret......eventually.

I choose Jesus. I wanted to take on that "high calling" and be able to glorify God through my heartache and disappointment. I decided that I wanted to grow, to learn, to allow the Lord to mold me through this situation. I decided that I wanted my response to reflect a deep rooted trust, even if my feelings did not. But the question was how do I do this? How do I process through this type of situation where I'm glorifying God but still be honest with what I'm feeling? Well, be careful what you pray and ask for because sometimes God makes His answer super clear. In so many areas of my life it has been crazy to see just how the clearly the Lord has been teaching me and asking me to do three things. And the first thing He's been asking me to do is to simply trust Him.  

"Trust Me"

The door closing on doing international ministry with Young Life Norther Ireland has been one of the biggest experiences in life that have shook my trust in the Lord. It is not because it ended up being a "no". It is because I have never pursued the Lord like I did in this adventure. I have never walked through a process like this with such genuine, open hands asking that God would just send me where He wanted me. I have never felt Him so clearly lead me in a direction that resulted in me saying "yes". So, when the answer was no, I had to choose. I had to choose to trust that God was still good, that He still loved me, that His plan for me was still better than my own. Not exactly an easy thing to do in this situation. So, do I feel like I trust Him all the time? Nope. There are many times I struggle with feelings of being abandoned, mislead, betrayed and even that the Lord played a cruel joke on me. But every time I start processing those feelings and bring those frustrations to him, I sense Him gently asking me to trust me. "Trust me, Jess. You can't see the big picture. Trust me. You have no idea what I'm doing. Trust me."

About a week after the decision came, I picked up a book I was in the middle of and had put down earlier on in the summer, Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I've read this book before and it may be one of my absolute favorite books. As I picked up the book again that day, I just happened to have left off at the chapter titled "Trusting Jesus". Coincidence? I think not.

"In the midst of tragic events that leave us bereft of understanding, trust does not demand explanations but turns to the One who promised, "I will not leave you orphans" (John 14:18). In the face of a pressing need to answers and solutions to life's problems - answers that are not quickly forthcoming - trust in the Wisdom and Power who is Jesus Christ knows how to wait." (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust)

Wait. Patience. Awesome, I hate both of those things. You mean trusting Jesus means I have to continue walking on this journey and continue being the dark? Yes. You mean I have to trust Jesus despite how what I know of this particular situation screams at me that He is no longer trust worthy? Yes.

Let me share a passage out of this chapter that I found profound and relatable to my journey:

"Dennis Rainey tells the story of a missionary family home on furlough, staying at the lake house of a friend.  On the day in question, Dad was puttering in the boathouse, Mom in the kitchen, and the three children, ages five, seven, and twelve, were on the lawn.  Five-year-old Billy escaped his oldest sister’s watchful eye and wandered down to the wooden dock.  The shiny aluminum boat caught his eye, but unsteady feet landed him in eight-foot-deep water.  When the twelve-year-old screamed, Dad came running.  Realizing what had happened, he dove into the murky depths.  Frantically he felt for his son, but twice, out of breath, he had to return to the surface. Filling his lungs once more, he dove down and found Billy clinging to a wooden pier several feet under.  Prying the boy’s fingers loose, he bolted to the surface with Billy in his arms.  Safely ashore, his dad asked, “Billy, what were you doing down there?”  Billy said, “Just waitin’ on you Dad, just waitin’ on you."......Trusting someone does not imply that we have tested that person out thoroughly, proved infallibly that she is trustworthy. Our trust is based not on proof but on an intuitive sense, an instinct, a feeling - a feeling not without some basis, of course, but likewise not the end result of a syllogism or a questionnaire. Trust comes from some experience of the other person, an experience not reducible to proof. Most often, it grows up in a relationship of mutual love, one in which we have loved, and been loved by, the other."

Several feet under water, clinging to the wooden pier was that little boy and he was just waiting. Waiting on his daddy to come save him. He had such complete and unwavering trust that his dad would come through and rescue him. This trust came from the relationship of mutual love that the little boy had with his dad. He knew his dad, he had experienced his dad's love before so why would he not believe and trust that his dad would come rescue him. This story touched my heart deeply and I had a "ah ha" moment as Manning explained how the same principle applies to our relationship with God

"The movement in summary: from experience of God to love of God to trust in God"

As we experience and get to know God, we fall more in love with God. And as we fall more in love with God, we begin to trust him more and more. When I read that something clicked in my mind. When I had been contemplating that this ministry door could be shut, I was scared of how it would rock my world. I was absolutely terrified that it would shake me to the core of my being and send me to a dark place that I never wanted to return to again. So, I had actually surprised myself with how "okay" I had been with the decision of no. And how much faith I, apparently, have in the sovereignty of God. But after this reading this I now understood why. I have spent the last year pursuing Jesus in this adventure. I have have made spending time with him more of a priority because I wanted to be able to discern and hear what He was saying to me in regards to all these decisions. I knew I needed His wisdom and His help and that was how I was going to find it. But what I didn't realize was that as I was spending more time with God, as I was experiencing more of God in my life, I was falling more in love with him and thus my trust in Him was growing stronger and stronger. It is because of that deeper trust that the "no" didn't shake my world the way I thought it would.

I still don't understand why the Lord allowed the journey to happen the way it did. Or why He allowed the end result to be me saying yes and them saying no. But what I do know is that I trust him and will choose to trust him when all my feelings are screaming otherwise. So many times over the past two months I have felt just like that little boy in the story. I am three feet under water, drowning but clinging to that wooden pier because I know that Jesus is coming. I'm just waiting. I know He's coming. I know that He has me in the palm of his hand. I know that He loves me. I know that His plan for me is better than mine. I know that He sees the bigger story when I do not. I trust Him and I will continue to choose to do so no matter what.

Stay tuned for the next installment....

Growth through Disappointment: "Pursue Me"