Growth through disappointment: "Pursue Me"

"Pursue Me"

 This is the second thing that the Lord has been very clearly asking of me in this season. If what I said in my last blog is true, that our experience and knowing of God leads to a deeper trust well then the obvious question is how am I going to know him more? How do I experience God more so that I can trust Him more? It's simple, I'm going to have to pursue Him more. I'm going to have to intentionally pursue knowing Jesus. We all pursue things; good things, bad things, things we don't think that matter and things that we think matter more than they actually do.

But what is the most important thing in life? What is the most important calling in life? What should we strive for above all else? Is it about me figuring out where I'm suppose to be in life? Is it about me pursuing the "calling" the Lord has for me? Is it about me pursuing the ministry that I can best use my gifts? Nope. The other day I read on some on my journal from the past couple of weeks and the following is what I wrote three weeks after the "no".

"Life. Purpose. Dreams. Desires. Hope. We spend so much time pursing those, stressing, praying....what's my purpose? Where does God want me? And I think this season has been teaching me something. Life is not about figuring out the answer to all those questions but it's about pursuing the heart of God. My purpose in life is to know Jesus deeply and intimately."

There is this incredible freedom that comes with chasing after this goal and this purpose. I don't need to be consumed with the desire to know what God's will for me is because I know it. It's to pursue Him. And when I pursue Him all other aspects of life fall into place. When you're focused on pursuing Jesus alone you have no need to stress or worry about any other aspect of life because they will seemingly sort themselves out.

There have been numerous moments in my life over the last couple of months where I have experienced a level of peace and contentment that I'm not sure I ever have before. I think it's directly related to this thought. I want, more than anything else in the world, to know Jesus more. I want to be where He wants me to be. I want to fall more in love with Him. I want to see the way He shows up in my life more. I want to experience the love and compassion that He has for others more. I want to love others, for Him, more. I just want more, more of Jesus. I'm not sure I have ever been this intensely in this place before and I know it's directly related to this new focus of all I need to do in life is pursue Jesus.

This desire, this focus to pursue Jesus alone and trust that through this pursuit He will give me the dreams and the desires I do long for (or they will change to what He longs for me) is defining the way that I live my life. It's defining the way I interact with people. It affecting everything. But it takes work. I have to make a conscious effort to pursue the Lord. I have to get up early enough to spend time with Him before my day or it doesn't happen. But it's actually also about just being conscious of what does pursuing Jesus look like when I'm at work, when I'm driving, when I"m hanging out with friends. Pursuing the Lord isn't JUST about my 30 minute quiet time in the morning, it is about being in His presence all day. I think that looks different for every person.

This blog has been written in stages over the past couple of weeks and if I'm totally honest with you I think I've done a crappy job of pursuing the Lord lately and haven't been as consistent. And it makes a difference. There is a difference in my attitude, my view on life and there is a significant lack of contentment, peace and joy. It's so easy to slip back into the "check-list". Did I read my bible today? Check. Did I pray? Check? Was I Jesus to others? Half-Check. I do not want to half-hardheartedly pursue the One who loves me unconditionally in a way that I will never deserve or be able to fathom.

As I'm currently in North Carolina for the holiday I've had the opportunity to reflect and process a lot of this (again) with family who know and love me deeply. I am so thankful for this time away from life to clear my head and refocus. To be reminded of the intense need and desire I have to make Jesus my priority. The desire to make knowing Him deeper my everything even when saying those words bring a cringe to my soul because I know I'm not the best at it all the time. May I continue to learn and grow in this area to the point when pursuing Him deeper is as subconscious for me as breathing.

"know me. love me. trust me. pursue me."

Stay tuned for the next installment....

Growth through Disappointment: "The Nowhere"

Growth through Disappointment: "Trust Me"

I've sat to start/finish this blog a number of times over the last two months. But now it's time. It's time for me to write about it and as I've said before, this blog is more for me to process than for any of you reading it. But thank you for caring enough to read the ramblings of a girl who's just trying to faithfully follow the journey the Lord has set before her. So, welcome to a series of a couple of blogs to share what the Lord has been doing in my heart over the last two months.

I recently read my last blog but it means something different now that I have insight of knowing what the answer was going to be. I still got choked up remembering the emotions and feelings of that night. Remembering how genuine my heart was in earnestly surrendering all my hopes, desires, and dreams before the Lord in regards to this situation. And then the answer came and that answer was "no". But I don't really want to focus on the "no" answer I received from Young Life Northern Ireland. I don't want to ramble on about how my heart was crushed and how confusion over the reasons flooded my mind. I don't want this blog to be about how I have had at it out with God numerous times about not understanding why He allowed the past year to play out so clearly to end in this result. Maybe one day but that's not what I want this blog to be about today.

What I do what it to be about is what I've been learning through this season.

That Wednesday morning of "D" day, as I drove to work the thought popped into my head "Jess, what if God can be more glorified through a no than a yes?" Ummmm, GREAT! That's not what I wanted to think. Not at all. But that's what has stayed with me and come back to mind time and time again since the "no" came across that skype conversation. It is as if I have felt this "high calling" in how I responded and handle myself in response to  my utter disappointment and confusion. Would I fall into the arms of Jesus with my questions, my longings, my confusion and even my anger? Or would I allow myself to become bitter, throw everything to the wind and make choices that I would regret......eventually.

I choose Jesus. I wanted to take on that "high calling" and be able to glorify God through my heartache and disappointment. I decided that I wanted to grow, to learn, to allow the Lord to mold me through this situation. I decided that I wanted my response to reflect a deep rooted trust, even if my feelings did not. But the question was how do I do this? How do I process through this type of situation where I'm glorifying God but still be honest with what I'm feeling? Well, be careful what you pray and ask for because sometimes God makes His answer super clear. In so many areas of my life it has been crazy to see just how the clearly the Lord has been teaching me and asking me to do three things. And the first thing He's been asking me to do is to simply trust Him.  

"Trust Me"

The door closing on doing international ministry with Young Life Norther Ireland has been one of the biggest experiences in life that have shook my trust in the Lord. It is not because it ended up being a "no". It is because I have never pursued the Lord like I did in this adventure. I have never walked through a process like this with such genuine, open hands asking that God would just send me where He wanted me. I have never felt Him so clearly lead me in a direction that resulted in me saying "yes". So, when the answer was no, I had to choose. I had to choose to trust that God was still good, that He still loved me, that His plan for me was still better than my own. Not exactly an easy thing to do in this situation. So, do I feel like I trust Him all the time? Nope. There are many times I struggle with feelings of being abandoned, mislead, betrayed and even that the Lord played a cruel joke on me. But every time I start processing those feelings and bring those frustrations to him, I sense Him gently asking me to trust me. "Trust me, Jess. You can't see the big picture. Trust me. You have no idea what I'm doing. Trust me."

About a week after the decision came, I picked up a book I was in the middle of and had put down earlier on in the summer, Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I've read this book before and it may be one of my absolute favorite books. As I picked up the book again that day, I just happened to have left off at the chapter titled "Trusting Jesus". Coincidence? I think not.

"In the midst of tragic events that leave us bereft of understanding, trust does not demand explanations but turns to the One who promised, "I will not leave you orphans" (John 14:18). In the face of a pressing need to answers and solutions to life's problems - answers that are not quickly forthcoming - trust in the Wisdom and Power who is Jesus Christ knows how to wait." (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust)

Wait. Patience. Awesome, I hate both of those things. You mean trusting Jesus means I have to continue walking on this journey and continue being the dark? Yes. You mean I have to trust Jesus despite how what I know of this particular situation screams at me that He is no longer trust worthy? Yes.

Let me share a passage out of this chapter that I found profound and relatable to my journey:

"Dennis Rainey tells the story of a missionary family home on furlough, staying at the lake house of a friend.  On the day in question, Dad was puttering in the boathouse, Mom in the kitchen, and the three children, ages five, seven, and twelve, were on the lawn.  Five-year-old Billy escaped his oldest sister’s watchful eye and wandered down to the wooden dock.  The shiny aluminum boat caught his eye, but unsteady feet landed him in eight-foot-deep water.  When the twelve-year-old screamed, Dad came running.  Realizing what had happened, he dove into the murky depths.  Frantically he felt for his son, but twice, out of breath, he had to return to the surface. Filling his lungs once more, he dove down and found Billy clinging to a wooden pier several feet under.  Prying the boy’s fingers loose, he bolted to the surface with Billy in his arms.  Safely ashore, his dad asked, “Billy, what were you doing down there?”  Billy said, “Just waitin’ on you Dad, just waitin’ on you."......Trusting someone does not imply that we have tested that person out thoroughly, proved infallibly that she is trustworthy. Our trust is based not on proof but on an intuitive sense, an instinct, a feeling - a feeling not without some basis, of course, but likewise not the end result of a syllogism or a questionnaire. Trust comes from some experience of the other person, an experience not reducible to proof. Most often, it grows up in a relationship of mutual love, one in which we have loved, and been loved by, the other."

Several feet under water, clinging to the wooden pier was that little boy and he was just waiting. Waiting on his daddy to come save him. He had such complete and unwavering trust that his dad would come through and rescue him. This trust came from the relationship of mutual love that the little boy had with his dad. He knew his dad, he had experienced his dad's love before so why would he not believe and trust that his dad would come rescue him. This story touched my heart deeply and I had a "ah ha" moment as Manning explained how the same principle applies to our relationship with God

"The movement in summary: from experience of God to love of God to trust in God"

As we experience and get to know God, we fall more in love with God. And as we fall more in love with God, we begin to trust him more and more. When I read that something clicked in my mind. When I had been contemplating that this ministry door could be shut, I was scared of how it would rock my world. I was absolutely terrified that it would shake me to the core of my being and send me to a dark place that I never wanted to return to again. So, I had actually surprised myself with how "okay" I had been with the decision of no. And how much faith I, apparently, have in the sovereignty of God. But after this reading this I now understood why. I have spent the last year pursuing Jesus in this adventure. I have have made spending time with him more of a priority because I wanted to be able to discern and hear what He was saying to me in regards to all these decisions. I knew I needed His wisdom and His help and that was how I was going to find it. But what I didn't realize was that as I was spending more time with God, as I was experiencing more of God in my life, I was falling more in love with him and thus my trust in Him was growing stronger and stronger. It is because of that deeper trust that the "no" didn't shake my world the way I thought it would.

I still don't understand why the Lord allowed the journey to happen the way it did. Or why He allowed the end result to be me saying yes and them saying no. But what I do know is that I trust him and will choose to trust him when all my feelings are screaming otherwise. So many times over the past two months I have felt just like that little boy in the story. I am three feet under water, drowning but clinging to that wooden pier because I know that Jesus is coming. I'm just waiting. I know He's coming. I know that He has me in the palm of his hand. I know that He loves me. I know that His plan for me is better than mine. I know that He sees the bigger story when I do not. I trust Him and I will continue to choose to do so no matter what.

Stay tuned for the next installment....

Growth through Disappointment: "Pursue Me"