Goodbye writing expectations and hello to my friend rambling

I miss writing. I had these dreams of documenting my engagement season and writing about the my hopes, fears and expectation of marriage. Then I thought I would just pick up writing again after the wedding and share the journey of our first year of marriage. But I didn't. It's not that I never sat down to write, I did! Numerous times......but every time I was hit with the intense expectation that in this world of bloggers whatever I wrote had to be great, profound, well written and something that everyone would want to share with others.

What happened to writing in my blog just being a way for me to process life? What happened to my desire to just be real and authentic and if someone got something out of my ramblings then that was just the sugar on top? How did I let myself get caught up with the need of approval and validation from others on what I wrote?

I don't know but I'm over it. I need to write for no other reason than this is a good outlet for me to process this crazy adventure called life. And I want to share. I love sharing my life and story with others. This love probably stems from how much I gain encouragement and insight from other who are willing to be vulnerable and real and don't just portray the "instagram" photo of life.

So welcome to my blog which will contain the ramblings of me that may or may not be profound and that may or may not be well written.....continue at your own risk.

But you'll need to continue reading at a new blog location......

lifeadventureswiththebensons.blogspot.com

The 2013 Word of the Year

Back in 2011 I started a tradition of choosing a word for every year. 

It would be a word that I wanted to define the year. 

A word that I wanted to learn more about and see more in my life. 

In 2011 the word was hope and forever that word will hold a special place in my heart. 

The word 2012 was joy and that it is a result of a thankful heart and that I make the choice to be thankful was a hard lesson all year but one that will stay with me forever. 

 

I thought my word for 2013 was going to be pursuit.

It fits for the things that happened this fall.

It fits for the intense deep desire I have to pursue more of God.

It seemed right and perfect and I was excited for that to be the 2013 focus.

That has changed.

I woke up this morning extremely restless and anxious about various aspects of life. My heart was heavy. I tossed and turned for awhile, trying to avoid my thoughts with the draw of slumber. But, eventually the mess in my head drove me to doing something I haven't taken the time to do lately,

spending some quality extended precious time with the lover of my soul.

I played my United Pursuit stations on pandora.

I started pouring my heart out to the Lord in my journal 

As I did the song "I surrender all" came on.

Surrender. Something about it stuck out to me. 

"Jess, what would it look like if you were just completely surrendering your heart, your dreams and your desires to the Lord right now ."

I had texted a dear and wise woman in my life a little earlier and asked for prayer regarding the things that were going on in my heart. And it was at this time my phone started blowing up with her texts of truth and wisdom that my heart needed to be reminded of and hear. And so much of it was about trusting, giving up control, being patient and basically surrendering.

Those things do not come naturally to me. I like control. I'm stubborn. I think I know whats best for me. I am not patient. I want to know how things are going to turn out now. I am all or nothing person. I do not like living in limbo. It makes me uncomfortable. It terrifies me. The unknown can really terrify me. Ironically enough, I feel in limbo in many areas of my life right now and it's those things that caused a restlessness and anxiousness in my spirit.

Surrender. I suck at it. And it is the very thing that the Lord is so clearly asking me to do. 

So, my word for 2013 is now surrender.

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is your"

Here we go 2013. I'm slightly terrified of what you may hold and what this theme of surrender is going to bring my way. But at the same time I'm excited for this year because it's a new year with new opportunities to learn, to serve, to grow, to love others, to become more like Christ.  

I need to learn to spend every New Years Day morning this way. It was one of the most precious, intense times I've had with my Savior in a long time that has left me overwhelmed with the depth of love and care He has for me. He is faithful, so incredibly faithful. 

And reminding myself of that always overshadows the worries in my life and they grow small. 

He is all I need. He'll take of my me and my heart. He's got me. 

May this new year bring to you a new overwhelming understanding of the depth of love that the Lord has for you. May we be given the eyes to see the ways that He pursues our hearts. And may we end 2013 saying that we are more in love with our Beloved now than at the start of the year. 

Happy New Year.

Growth through disappointment: "Pursue Me"

"Pursue Me"

 This is the second thing that the Lord has been very clearly asking of me in this season. If what I said in my last blog is true, that our experience and knowing of God leads to a deeper trust well then the obvious question is how am I going to know him more? How do I experience God more so that I can trust Him more? It's simple, I'm going to have to pursue Him more. I'm going to have to intentionally pursue knowing Jesus. We all pursue things; good things, bad things, things we don't think that matter and things that we think matter more than they actually do.

But what is the most important thing in life? What is the most important calling in life? What should we strive for above all else? Is it about me figuring out where I'm suppose to be in life? Is it about me pursuing the "calling" the Lord has for me? Is it about me pursuing the ministry that I can best use my gifts? Nope. The other day I read on some on my journal from the past couple of weeks and the following is what I wrote three weeks after the "no".

"Life. Purpose. Dreams. Desires. Hope. We spend so much time pursing those, stressing, praying....what's my purpose? Where does God want me? And I think this season has been teaching me something. Life is not about figuring out the answer to all those questions but it's about pursuing the heart of God. My purpose in life is to know Jesus deeply and intimately."

There is this incredible freedom that comes with chasing after this goal and this purpose. I don't need to be consumed with the desire to know what God's will for me is because I know it. It's to pursue Him. And when I pursue Him all other aspects of life fall into place. When you're focused on pursuing Jesus alone you have no need to stress or worry about any other aspect of life because they will seemingly sort themselves out.

There have been numerous moments in my life over the last couple of months where I have experienced a level of peace and contentment that I'm not sure I ever have before. I think it's directly related to this thought. I want, more than anything else in the world, to know Jesus more. I want to be where He wants me to be. I want to fall more in love with Him. I want to see the way He shows up in my life more. I want to experience the love and compassion that He has for others more. I want to love others, for Him, more. I just want more, more of Jesus. I'm not sure I have ever been this intensely in this place before and I know it's directly related to this new focus of all I need to do in life is pursue Jesus.

This desire, this focus to pursue Jesus alone and trust that through this pursuit He will give me the dreams and the desires I do long for (or they will change to what He longs for me) is defining the way that I live my life. It's defining the way I interact with people. It affecting everything. But it takes work. I have to make a conscious effort to pursue the Lord. I have to get up early enough to spend time with Him before my day or it doesn't happen. But it's actually also about just being conscious of what does pursuing Jesus look like when I'm at work, when I'm driving, when I"m hanging out with friends. Pursuing the Lord isn't JUST about my 30 minute quiet time in the morning, it is about being in His presence all day. I think that looks different for every person.

This blog has been written in stages over the past couple of weeks and if I'm totally honest with you I think I've done a crappy job of pursuing the Lord lately and haven't been as consistent. And it makes a difference. There is a difference in my attitude, my view on life and there is a significant lack of contentment, peace and joy. It's so easy to slip back into the "check-list". Did I read my bible today? Check. Did I pray? Check? Was I Jesus to others? Half-Check. I do not want to half-hardheartedly pursue the One who loves me unconditionally in a way that I will never deserve or be able to fathom.

As I'm currently in North Carolina for the holiday I've had the opportunity to reflect and process a lot of this (again) with family who know and love me deeply. I am so thankful for this time away from life to clear my head and refocus. To be reminded of the intense need and desire I have to make Jesus my priority. The desire to make knowing Him deeper my everything even when saying those words bring a cringe to my soul because I know I'm not the best at it all the time. May I continue to learn and grow in this area to the point when pursuing Him deeper is as subconscious for me as breathing.

"know me. love me. trust me. pursue me."

Stay tuned for the next installment....

Growth through Disappointment: "The Nowhere"

Growth through Disappointment: "Trust Me"

I've sat to start/finish this blog a number of times over the last two months. But now it's time. It's time for me to write about it and as I've said before, this blog is more for me to process than for any of you reading it. But thank you for caring enough to read the ramblings of a girl who's just trying to faithfully follow the journey the Lord has set before her. So, welcome to a series of a couple of blogs to share what the Lord has been doing in my heart over the last two months.

I recently read my last blog but it means something different now that I have insight of knowing what the answer was going to be. I still got choked up remembering the emotions and feelings of that night. Remembering how genuine my heart was in earnestly surrendering all my hopes, desires, and dreams before the Lord in regards to this situation. And then the answer came and that answer was "no". But I don't really want to focus on the "no" answer I received from Young Life Northern Ireland. I don't want to ramble on about how my heart was crushed and how confusion over the reasons flooded my mind. I don't want this blog to be about how I have had at it out with God numerous times about not understanding why He allowed the past year to play out so clearly to end in this result. Maybe one day but that's not what I want this blog to be about today.

What I do what it to be about is what I've been learning through this season.

That Wednesday morning of "D" day, as I drove to work the thought popped into my head "Jess, what if God can be more glorified through a no than a yes?" Ummmm, GREAT! That's not what I wanted to think. Not at all. But that's what has stayed with me and come back to mind time and time again since the "no" came across that skype conversation. It is as if I have felt this "high calling" in how I responded and handle myself in response to  my utter disappointment and confusion. Would I fall into the arms of Jesus with my questions, my longings, my confusion and even my anger? Or would I allow myself to become bitter, throw everything to the wind and make choices that I would regret......eventually.

I choose Jesus. I wanted to take on that "high calling" and be able to glorify God through my heartache and disappointment. I decided that I wanted to grow, to learn, to allow the Lord to mold me through this situation. I decided that I wanted my response to reflect a deep rooted trust, even if my feelings did not. But the question was how do I do this? How do I process through this type of situation where I'm glorifying God but still be honest with what I'm feeling? Well, be careful what you pray and ask for because sometimes God makes His answer super clear. In so many areas of my life it has been crazy to see just how the clearly the Lord has been teaching me and asking me to do three things. And the first thing He's been asking me to do is to simply trust Him.  

"Trust Me"

The door closing on doing international ministry with Young Life Norther Ireland has been one of the biggest experiences in life that have shook my trust in the Lord. It is not because it ended up being a "no". It is because I have never pursued the Lord like I did in this adventure. I have never walked through a process like this with such genuine, open hands asking that God would just send me where He wanted me. I have never felt Him so clearly lead me in a direction that resulted in me saying "yes". So, when the answer was no, I had to choose. I had to choose to trust that God was still good, that He still loved me, that His plan for me was still better than my own. Not exactly an easy thing to do in this situation. So, do I feel like I trust Him all the time? Nope. There are many times I struggle with feelings of being abandoned, mislead, betrayed and even that the Lord played a cruel joke on me. But every time I start processing those feelings and bring those frustrations to him, I sense Him gently asking me to trust me. "Trust me, Jess. You can't see the big picture. Trust me. You have no idea what I'm doing. Trust me."

About a week after the decision came, I picked up a book I was in the middle of and had put down earlier on in the summer, Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I've read this book before and it may be one of my absolute favorite books. As I picked up the book again that day, I just happened to have left off at the chapter titled "Trusting Jesus". Coincidence? I think not.

"In the midst of tragic events that leave us bereft of understanding, trust does not demand explanations but turns to the One who promised, "I will not leave you orphans" (John 14:18). In the face of a pressing need to answers and solutions to life's problems - answers that are not quickly forthcoming - trust in the Wisdom and Power who is Jesus Christ knows how to wait." (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust)

Wait. Patience. Awesome, I hate both of those things. You mean trusting Jesus means I have to continue walking on this journey and continue being the dark? Yes. You mean I have to trust Jesus despite how what I know of this particular situation screams at me that He is no longer trust worthy? Yes.

Let me share a passage out of this chapter that I found profound and relatable to my journey:

"Dennis Rainey tells the story of a missionary family home on furlough, staying at the lake house of a friend.  On the day in question, Dad was puttering in the boathouse, Mom in the kitchen, and the three children, ages five, seven, and twelve, were on the lawn.  Five-year-old Billy escaped his oldest sister’s watchful eye and wandered down to the wooden dock.  The shiny aluminum boat caught his eye, but unsteady feet landed him in eight-foot-deep water.  When the twelve-year-old screamed, Dad came running.  Realizing what had happened, he dove into the murky depths.  Frantically he felt for his son, but twice, out of breath, he had to return to the surface. Filling his lungs once more, he dove down and found Billy clinging to a wooden pier several feet under.  Prying the boy’s fingers loose, he bolted to the surface with Billy in his arms.  Safely ashore, his dad asked, “Billy, what were you doing down there?”  Billy said, “Just waitin’ on you Dad, just waitin’ on you."......Trusting someone does not imply that we have tested that person out thoroughly, proved infallibly that she is trustworthy. Our trust is based not on proof but on an intuitive sense, an instinct, a feeling - a feeling not without some basis, of course, but likewise not the end result of a syllogism or a questionnaire. Trust comes from some experience of the other person, an experience not reducible to proof. Most often, it grows up in a relationship of mutual love, one in which we have loved, and been loved by, the other."

Several feet under water, clinging to the wooden pier was that little boy and he was just waiting. Waiting on his daddy to come save him. He had such complete and unwavering trust that his dad would come through and rescue him. This trust came from the relationship of mutual love that the little boy had with his dad. He knew his dad, he had experienced his dad's love before so why would he not believe and trust that his dad would come rescue him. This story touched my heart deeply and I had a "ah ha" moment as Manning explained how the same principle applies to our relationship with God

"The movement in summary: from experience of God to love of God to trust in God"

As we experience and get to know God, we fall more in love with God. And as we fall more in love with God, we begin to trust him more and more. When I read that something clicked in my mind. When I had been contemplating that this ministry door could be shut, I was scared of how it would rock my world. I was absolutely terrified that it would shake me to the core of my being and send me to a dark place that I never wanted to return to again. So, I had actually surprised myself with how "okay" I had been with the decision of no. And how much faith I, apparently, have in the sovereignty of God. But after this reading this I now understood why. I have spent the last year pursuing Jesus in this adventure. I have have made spending time with him more of a priority because I wanted to be able to discern and hear what He was saying to me in regards to all these decisions. I knew I needed His wisdom and His help and that was how I was going to find it. But what I didn't realize was that as I was spending more time with God, as I was experiencing more of God in my life, I was falling more in love with him and thus my trust in Him was growing stronger and stronger. It is because of that deeper trust that the "no" didn't shake my world the way I thought it would.

I still don't understand why the Lord allowed the journey to happen the way it did. Or why He allowed the end result to be me saying yes and them saying no. But what I do know is that I trust him and will choose to trust him when all my feelings are screaming otherwise. So many times over the past two months I have felt just like that little boy in the story. I am three feet under water, drowning but clinging to that wooden pier because I know that Jesus is coming. I'm just waiting. I know He's coming. I know that He has me in the palm of his hand. I know that He loves me. I know that His plan for me is better than mine. I know that He sees the bigger story when I do not. I trust Him and I will continue to choose to do so no matter what.

Stay tuned for the next installment....

Growth through Disappointment: "Pursue Me"

Surrendered Heart

Tonight, I've spent my evening doing something I haven't done in a LONG time.

"A cheesy date with Jesus"

No, seriously it's super cheesy - dark room, candles, journal, music, tea, chocolate, the works. I actually forgot how much intentionally giving the Lord an evening like this feeds my soul. I really needed this tonight and I really need to write this blog to help process the emotions inside of me.

How do I explain this emotional heart journey I've been on since returning from Northern Ireland. I left Northern Ireland feeling so confident and at peace with the decision to say "yes". I know that decision was one that the Lord used the past year of my life to lead me to.

The weekend after I got home, I went to Frontier Ranch in the beautiful mountains for our Young Life leader weekend. While I was there, there was a moment where the reality that this really isn't a done deal hit me hard. Young Life Northern Ireland has to say "yes" and they have not made that decision yet. It was then that I realized that I no longer knew how to proceed in this process with open hands. This whole past year I have continually prayed for the Lord to lead and guide each step towards the result he wanted for me. Regularly, I would pray with a surrendered heart and offer back up the dreams and my desires of my heart.

But now that I said yes I no longer knew how to surrender the dreams and desires that had been built up by my trip and my stepping forward with a decision. How do I be okay if the final decision is a "no" when I feel like He has so clearly led me to this point? I struggled and struggled with that thought and idea a lot during the weekend. 

During our last worship session together I knew I needed to open my hands and surrender again. I knew that I needed to make a profession of faith to God through that. So, I choose. I choose that morning to get on my knees, to hold my hands open, and to once again laid all my dreams, my hopes, all that I am completely before the Lord. I prayed that the Lord would move and direct the hearts of the men who were now making the final decision and that the Lord would give them complete peace in whichever direction they choose. I asked God to prepare my heart for whatever that decision would be. And, that if the answer was no that He would help me still believe that He is good, that He loves me and that His plan is better for me than anything I could think or imagine.

I wish I could say that it's been easy the last couple of weeks to live in that head space. It hasn't been. It's been constant struggle to keep my hands opened and lifted high. 

I think the hardest part of all of this is that I  know I have sought the Lord so earnestly and felt Him so clearly lead me to the place I am now that I will have a hard time understanding if it is a no. I could write out a lot more of my thoughts on that but honestly I don't want to spend time trying to process something that has not yet happened and potentially may not. That has been a struggle the past couple of weeks, to just be in the present in this season of waiting.

There was a day last week where I failed miserably at that. I let myself get caught up in my fears regarding the situation and emotionally freaked out. I sat on this couch, before the girls came over for Bible study, and cried out to God and told Him that I didn't know how I was going to handle the end result of all this. That I was scared I would be mad at Him and wouldn't be able to get my heart to believe that He is still good despite not understanding the reason He led me on the journey that He did.

That night during Bible study a really good question was asked........

So, let's say that God told you that He would give you your dream guy/girl or your dream job but there was one condition, He would not be in it.

Would you still want it? Would you still take it?

My first gut reaction surprised me.

With no hesitation at all, it was a very strong "hell no".

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that down in the depths of my heart, no matter what, I want to be where God is and where He wants me. And it is that desire that I've been clinging to every time my mind starts wandering to the "what ifs". 

The reality of the situation is that I have pursued God faithfully in this journey over the past year and have stepped out in faith and made the decision to say yes because I feel so clearly He has led me to do so.And while the ultimate decision is completely out of my hands, it has never been out of the Lords. I know that either way the decision goes will not be easy but I also have complete faith that it is the right one because it is the Lord who directs my steps.

Tomorrow at 2:30 I'll be skyping with YL Northern Ireland to hear their decision. 

This is why tonight needed to be a "cheesy Jesus date night".

I want to go into tomorrow's conversation with a humble and surrendered heart to whatever the Lord has in store for me. No matter what, I will choose to believe that He is good, that He loves me, and that His plans for me will always be better than my own. 

That has been my prayer all night.

YL Adventure Part One: Young Life Bangor

Below was mostly all written while on the place back Monday. I was going to finish the whole story of my trip before posting this but have decided it would be too long for anyone to want to read in one go. So....I give you part one my young life advance trip adventure.

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Well…..writing while I was gone was an epic fail! I thought about it. I even  sat down several times to attempt to start writing what was the jumble mess inside my head. And once words even began to form and sentences started to take shape but beyond that it was like I said, epic fail. So, prepare yourself. This blog has the potential to have way too much rambling so please continue at your own risk. 

Currently, I’m sitting on the plane on the way back home from Northern Ireland. And as I stare as this screen my mind is reaching for the right words to describe the last ten days.

I started the trip with picking up my rental car at the Dublin airport and made the 2 hour journey to Craig Mawhinney, Young Life Regional Director, at his home in Bangor, Northern Ireland. Good news. I didn’t fall asleep OR drive on the wrong side (sadly that wasn’t true of the whole trip. Haha).

That evening I hung out with Craig and his adorable family as well as a group of Young Life leaders and a couple of their older students. I would be spending the next couple of days with one of them, Krissy, and her family.  They definitely lived up to the Northern Irish standard of hospitality and was blessed by the little time I got to spend with them over the next couple of days.

Saturday and Sunday was spent with Craig and Bangor Young Life.  It was great for me to observe Craig with his team and to just hang out with all of them. Craig and I got also spent a large chunk of time just chatting through lots of questions I had. I wanted to make sure I understood his view of philosophy  of ministry and what his vision for Young Life and the future of it in Northern Ireland. If I’m honest, just as much as I was looking for an understanding of Craig, I was looking for ANY red flags that who signal to me that Craig and I wouldn’t work well together or that I would philosophically disagree or I’m not even sure what. I just was waiting for something or anything that would make me hesitate. And you know what happened? You know what red flags popped up? NONE! I was so incredibly impressed with Craig and how he views life, ministry and how he takes care of his team. By the end of the weekend there was no doubt in my mind that it would be an honor and privilege to serve under a man like him. I know I would learn so much from him and that he would do an excellent job taking care of me as international staff.

That Sunday night I got to experience my first non-American Young Life club. It was awesome and so much fun to see how club is club no matter what country you are in. It was fun to watch the Bangor team in action and see them just being ridiculous and loving on the kids. The energy level was super high and I just love this team so much and had so much fun at club. 

It was also an exciting night as the group from Craigavon came up to experience their first club and see what it looks like. Craigavon is the next place in Northern Ireland where Young Life will be starting. It is also the area that, if I came, I would be working with. So, the plan was that they would be coming to club, meeting me and I was going to head back to Craigavon with them for the next couple of days. It was super exciting to meet them but also overwhelming especially when I thought about how this is potentially the team of people that I would get the honor of leading! There were a lot of them and I tried my best to get around and introduce myself to all of them. (I'm not sure I succeeded in that) The first thing I noticed was that this group was significantly older than the Bangor team (who are mostly all college students) and that actually almost all of them were older than me. Slightly intimidating but also intriguing as I know the potential benefits of having a diverse team that spans life stages.

After club was over and the kids all went home Craig debriefed with the Craigavon group and I about our experience that night. It was neat to hear people's initial thoughts and reactions to their first experience of Young Life club. We also had the opportunity to pray as a group together. There is something about praying as a group that I absolutely adore. I think you get a different glimpse in people's hearts when they pray and it was no different in this time. I heard people pray that were passionate about reaching lost young people, about being Jesus to them and about loving each other and being a team. I got really excited at that point to spend the next couple of days getting to know these people, hear more of their vision and just spend some time getting to know them and the area.

So...stay tuned for the next installment

YL Adventure Part Two: Craigavon 

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Just for the fun here are some random thoughts I had during the first few days.

(Obviously, many have stories behind them. haha.)



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"Ummm. Renting a car in Dublin means speed limit is in kilometers that is what is on the dashboard. Driving in Northern Ireland means speed limit in miles. Awesome."

My new chocolate bar



"Yes. I'm 28. I know, you're shocked."



"Oh chocolate. I have missed you and will forever love you."

"jet lag feels like a hang-over....not that I actually know what a legit hang-over feels like"

"What side of the road am I suppose to be on again...uhh." 



"So much tea....all the time."

"I am not driving to Craigavon....there is no way I won't get lost ALL THE TIME there with all those stupid roundabouts.Why am I driving here again?!"

"Diluted juice, I still think you are gross." 

"Oh hello flirty Northern Irish guys......it's a good thing I know this is a cultural thing." 

"Just keep talking... I can't understand half of what you are saying....but just keeping talking"

"Wait, did he really just say that in front of everyone?!"

"I'm so aware of how American I sound...why in the world does anyone think our accents are cool"

"I forgot how much of my heart this country holds."

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Leaving on a jet plane, too bad I know when I'll be back again...

One week from today I'll be boarding a plane to fly across the ocean to

Northern Ireland.

It's been four years since I've been there.

Four years ago when I left I felt like God was shutting the door on me returning there.

Seriously. I thought the season of life in Northern Ireland was over.

That my time spent there was done.

Four years later I'm headed back on my advance trip to check out

Young Life Northern Ireland.

(for those you missed it, you can find more of the story that has led me to this point here.)

I am on the verge of making an initial three year commitment with them.

This trip will decide that.

As I write that the number of emotions that flood in me are overwhelming.

Excitement. Fear. Anxious. Sad. Overwhelmed. Thankful.

Excitment

 I'm so excited to experience Young Life Northern Ireland. I'm excited to hear and see how I could fit into the vision there. I'm ready to do what makes my heart come alive. I miss doing youth work fulltime. I hate sitting in a cubical every day, it kills my soul. Seriously. I'm excited about returning to a country that holds such a special place in my heart

Fear

What happens next? What if it feels super wierd over there? What if God DOES confirm that I'm suppose to be there? What if it's NOT where I'm suppose to be?

Anxious

 It's been four years. What will it feel like being back? What will it be like seeing all my old friends? I've changes. They've changed. How will I handle the questions? Or handle the 'i told you so' regarding my relationship that some would say 'distracted' me? Anxious about meeting so many new people in a short amount of time and the amount of effect and energy it takes to be "on" in those situations.

Sad

 There is part of me that is still sad about how the past four years have turned out. The last time I was in Northern Ireland I met him. Will that affect me? My heart still hurts when I think about where he is in life and how events of this summer had forced me into a place of stepping out of his life almost completely. Then there is also a part of me that is sad that I feel like I've missed out on the past four years of people's lives there.

Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed with all the emotions I feel and all the thoughts that are running through my head. Overwhelmed with the packing and organizing of myself I need to do before I leave. Overwhelmed with still trying arrang my schedule and being able to see all the people I want to. But also overwhelmed at the faithfulness of God and how He has never let me go the past four years no matter what choices I was making. How he lovingly interviened and broke up my relationship when the time was right and spared me from marrying someone who was not right for me. How in the midst of confusion and pain that God had a plan for all of it.

Thankful

 I guess this ties in with a lot of the overwhelmed feelings. But I'm just thankful. Thankful that God's plan is better than mine even when I haven't been able to completely see the plan yet. Thankful that He never let me go, thankful that He protected me in my days of rebelliousness, thankful that I understand a bit of why my journey needed to be what it was. Thank for this trip and the possibilities it holds.

So, there is a brief glimpse into the chaos that is currently in my mind.

Watch this space as I plan (no promises) to write while I am there.

Who knows....maybe international staff with Young Life Northern Ireland was what I was made for.

"You were made for this"

Six days, 22 hours, 42 minutes

till the journey of finding out if that's true starts.