Restless.

The excitement of being gone and back home has worn off. Did Africa even happen? Is this just the let down from the trip? Well, the routine of life has started to set in again in full swing. It is back to normal.

And it's left me incredibly restless.

It's that feeling of I was made for more than the the life that I am experiencing now. It's the feeling that there is something big just up around the corner. Or is that feeling more of just a hope for that?

Something about Africa, about the missionaries we met, about doing international ministry again stirred something in me that I haven't felt in years. It was an excitement, it was a moment of this is what I was made to do, a thought of I could do cross cultural ministry for the rest of my life.

Gasp. Did I really just say that? Where are these feelings and desires coming from? God, is this you? Or is this just my high from a missions trip experience? All these thoughts and more were swirling around my head during my trip. Is God leading me into a season of starting to pursue this? Has the past couple of years just been about setting me up for this now? Could it be possible that God had to remove my intense desire for international ministry all together so that He could place me in the ministry He would want me to go with? So that I would have some more life experience and experience His faithfulness in despite and rough times?



Bangor, Northern Ireland



Then something happened a couple of days after I got home. Something that I didn't think ever would again. I was searching around Young Life's website and saw Young Life Northern Ireland. WHAT! No way. It's only a volunteer club and I have no idea how active it is or anything about it. But it's in Northern Ireland. And it's in Bangor. I know where that is. I went there all the time. And I love Young Life. I would love to go somewhere in the world with them. But they are in Northern Ireland! And in  area of Northern Ireland that there isn't a Youth for Christ which is important to me cause I wouldn't want to feel like competing with another organization. And it's far enough away from where I was before that it would feel like a new start and a new adventure. But at the same time not a new start because I know the country, I am familiar with the culture, I adore the people and my heart has been broken for the youth.

Then I felt it as all these thoughts started flying through my head. No, it's not possible. Seriously? It's back. I haven't felt this since the start of summer 2008. It's that excitement and that desire but not just for international ministry but for ministry in Northern Ireland.

I think I started crying. Is God leading me back there? Is it possible that when I felt that call back in the summer of 2001 to Northern Ireland that it wasn't just for those three years I had been there?

I don't know but I do know one thing the next couple of months will be spent praying. A lot of praying. And my spirit will probably remain restless with the longings and desires that are being stirred up that leave me holding my breath.

Africa.....a brief recap

I have attempted to start this blog several times but struggle so much with the where do I even begin. How do I start to process the last couple of weeks let alone share the experience in a way others can understand? How do I even express the feelings and the experiences that I had? I do not know. But what I can do is give you a brief recap of the trip......

• Traveling to Joburg was intense. It was a straight 16 hour flight from Atlanta. I've done a number of long flights but that has been the longest! I like traveling though and airports. And it's a lot more fun to travel with a group of people than on my own as I have in the past. Despite all that thought I was way ready for the plane to finally land in South Africa.
• We stayed four days in Joburg before going to our Care Point in Swaziland. We spent the days with our sister church, Mosaiek, visiting various ministries of theirs. We went to a home for people with disabilities that was amazing and we spent some time in a home for abandoned babies that touched all of our hearts. We also visited a community center, Emthonjeni, that was in the slums. This is the same community center that our First Lady had visited several weeks prior. It was heartbreaking to see this slum in the middle of a city that had such wealth as well but it was awesome to hear about how the community center was reaching out and loving people. We also did a little bit of sight seeing that included petting baby lion cubs and than seeing larger lions way closer than I'm comfotable with. ha.
• We attend church as Mosaiek and it was awesome. Reminded me of Woodmen except in a different language. After church our journey to Swazi began and involved a six hour drive which was about 5 and half hours too long.
• In Swazi we stayed at the Adventures in Mission team house which was kinda cool as AIM was the organization that I went on my first missions trip with.
• Swaziland was awesome and fell in love with our carepoint and the people at it. More on this at another time...many kids to tell about and stories to share.
• I loved the Swazi church service and seeing just how global the God we serve is.
• It was a good experience to rough it during the trip. It was dirty, cold water and we cooked a lot of our own food. It bonded our team and I wouldn't have had it any other way!
• The team was awesome and all got along great. I LOVED watching God move in the hearts of those around me.
• On our last full day in Africa we went on a game drive in Kruger National Park. It was absolutly freezing to start off but an incredible experience of seeing the African wildlife on it's own turf.
• The trip home was ABSOLUTLY BRUTAL! I came down with a cold the morning of and had my first experience of throwing up on an airplane. But after 36+ hours of total travel time I made it to my comfotable little condo that I would never look at the same again.

I've been home for five days now and in some ways it's like I never left but then in many other ways I feel like I'm not the same person. And I don't want to be the same person. I want to be changed and different. I want the experiences I had to shape me for the rest of my life.

So watch this space as I start processing and reflecting. I'm sure I'll be writing A LOT in the weeks to come.

The End of Thirty Days of Thankfulness

So this whole project turned out to be more of a "what am I gonna write about" instead of "what am I thankful for". Am kinda disappointed with myself that I allowed it to turn into that. And I struggled a lot with what to write. I know I have lots to be thankful for so why has it been so hard identifying those things. I was talking to Jodi about some of this and right away she told me that I needed to read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. So, I bought it for my plane ride to Africa......I don't know much about the book except that it goes along the same lines of what I was trying to do with this blog lately.

But with saying all that. It's day thirty and today.....

I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to Africa

It's here. Tomorrow I leave. For Africa. Wait. Did I just say tomorrow I leave for Africa? Wow. It's here. It still doesn't seem real. I'm leaving tomorrow.

I had a friend who went to Africa before give me some advice that she was given....

"You have to completely forget yourself, forget what you want to get from the trip, forget the things you want to do, and completely open your heart to God leading you."

Truth! I want to do that. I have very little expectations as I don't know what to expect but I'm excited. I'm excited to watch God move, to have my heart be more broken, to have my life turn upside down, to become more like Christ.

I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to experience a new culture and to experience God in a different culture.

But I'm scared. Terrified. I know me. I know how my heart works. I know how my heart breaks. And I know I've never experienced anything like I will in Swaziland. I know my heart is going to break. I know there will be many tears shed. I know there will be many questions asked of God. I know I'm going to be struggle and wrestling long after I return. And it scares me. I know some of these questions are going to be left unanswered and how am I going to handle that? I don't know. How am I going to handle living the life I do here after I've experienced seeing the way they live life over there?

But will deal with all that later. I want to be in each moment along this journey! In the moment of the airplane ride over, in the quiet moments right before bed, in the moments with each and every child and person I meet. I want to soak it all in and savor every moment.

Pray for me. Pray for our team. Pray that God would move.

Follow our team's blog. www.wvcswaziland.blogspot.com

Our schedule and prayer points. http://ow.ly/d/hcn

Day 21-29: Catching up.....

So, basically between work, social life, babysitting, being sick and everything in between - I've slacked in this. Completely. So, here I am playing a little catch up.



Day 21
I'm thankful that God has always provided for me. No matter what financial thing comes my way, God's always been faithful to see me through without too much hardship. And as I'm spending so much money on things I need for Africa I'm trusting that He'll pull through again! :)

Day 22
 I'm thankful for journals. It has become such a place for me to offload and process life. Then later look back and see the ways God has moved in my life and situations. 


Day 23
I'm thankful for rain storms. I love them. I love the smell of them. I love the sound of thunder and the wait lightening lights up the night sky.

Day 24
I'm thankful that I've learned to actually enjoy my quiet nights alone. That even sometimes I look forward to them and need them once in a while. (I'll repeat ONCE IN A WHILE)


Day 25
I'm thankful for a mentor who listens to my heart and encourages and suggest books for me accordingly. :)


Day 26
I'm thankful that I work for an organization where my the financial directior (my boss's boss boss) thought it was important to take the time to grab some of my co-workers and pray over me my last day of work before Africa. Blessed. 


Day 27
 I'm thankful for men in the world like Andy Stanley (I got to hear him speak recently) and how he is impacting and making a difference in so many lives. "The church is not for church people but for people people".


Day 28
I'm thankful for Saturday mornings and the sleep ins that always leave me feeling refreshed! 

Day 29
I'm thankful for "escape times". You know those moments where you just need to get out of town? I had one of those this past weekend and went and saw my dear friend Laura and her husband and it was exactly what my heart needed. 

And today is Day 30 but that deserves a post all of it's own.