Goodbye 2011

I sat in my room earlier today with my journal on the my lap and my pen in my hand. I was ready to reflect on this past year. I was ready to deal with, what I thought would be, pondering on the difficult year. But, at the end I was surprised at what I realized about my 2011. Why is it so easy for us to remember the tough times but yet we forget the good ones along the way? While there were struggles and difficult times, I was overwhelmed by the amount of blessing that this past year has held. I am so thankful that 2011 was not like 2010. I am thankful that 2011 held so much hope and taught me so much what really hoping means. The following are some key aspects of my past year that I want to share with you. Some of these are happy, some of them are hard and painful but yet all of them had lessons for me to learn and because of that I am thankful.

This year the journey continued with the process of my heart regarding my ex boyfriend. I was still dealing with the pain and the hurt while attempting to grieve the loss of dreams. It all came to a head this past summer which you can read about here and I feel like it was a downhill journey from there. I can, finally, honestly say that I am no longer bitter or angry. I had the opportunity to see him a couple of days ago. It was good to see him, it was good to tell him that I was no longer angry. It was good for me to wish him the best to his face and deeply mean it. But it was hard. It was hard to see a man I loved not really seeking the Lord and making choices in his life that will affect him forever. I want more for him. I want more out of life for him. I want him to be able to rise up and become the man that I see the potential for. But, this won't happen until he fully surrenders to the Lord. And I pray for that for him. A lot. I wish I could be a constant in his life, I wish I could be involved and be someone who can encourage him to seek the Lord. But I can't. I may not be angry or bitter and I may genienly wish him well. But that doesn't change the fact that he represents lost dreams to me. He represents the lack of companionship in my life. He represents the loss dream of being married by now. And because of that......I can't really stay in touch with him. So, I've let him go. Maybe 2010 was about falling out of love with him and 2011 was about learning to let him go. Completely.

This year I learned a lot about loneliness. It's hard and I made a lot of choices I am not proud of. But through them I learned more about the grace of God and how it is new every morning. You can go here and read some of my thoughts on this earlier this year. How no matter what I do or where I go......God is always there waiting for me. I am so thankful for his patience with me as I repeatedly made the same choices over and over. And thankful for His faithfulness when I finally did start making the right choices and being able to experience and see why His plans are better and more satisfying.

Today I realized how much this year that God has provided me with people and community here in Colorado. It's not the type of community I would ideally like to have and I think I've taken the people for granted all year. I work with great people and have enjoyed relationships growing there. I got to know an amazing woman of God who I have the priveledge of labeling as my mentor now. I met some amazing girls who are now some of my closest friends here. My relationship continues to grow with the Huttos who have become my family here and where I can go and sit on their couch, not say anything and have that be okay. I'm thankful. Thankful for people who love and care about me here.

Africa. Africa was huge this year. It stirred up my heart for international ministry again. It started the journy of pursuing going back overseas. You can read here and here about some of that journey.

Finally......this year has been focused around hope but I'll talk a bit more about that tomorrow! 

Happy New Year people!

Holding My Breath.

Application sent.

References given out.

Waiting on references to come back to have my phone interview.

Flight book to Atlanta in February for a required weekend that is apart of the application process.

I took the step and moved forward with the international staff process.

I knew I was suppose to. I just was struggling internally with giving up the security I currently have in life.

Do I really want to do this? Go overseas again? Start over somewhere again?

It's going to be hard. But hasn't here been hard too?

The decision was about surrender.

It was a question of who does my life really belong to?

Me or the Lord?

We both know the answer to that.

So the application was sent.

I "randomly" met Craig who leads up Young Life in Northern Ireland a couple of weeks ago.

He gave me his card and was very insistent I get in touch with him.

We're gonna meet up at ASC in January and talk more.

Could it possibly be that the call I felt on my life in July 2001 still stands today?

Could it be I'll be going back to Northern Ireland?

Did the Lord have to take me completely away from that desire so that I would engage with the present?

So, I would allow myself to fall in love with a boy that would lead me to moving to Colorado?

That would lead me to working for Young Life?

That would lead me experiencing the deepest pain and darkest season of my life?

That would lead me to experience God's grace, compassion, patience, faithfulness in a way I never had?

That would lead me to start over and to learn to live in each day and wrestle through the day to day?
That would lead me to where I am today....learning to seek God in each day, learning to be full of joy and gratitude that leads to contentment, learning to love those young people who I have the pleasure to be apart of their lives, to trust that God gives me what I need and not what I want, to learn to love those around me without expectation and to hope completely and fully in the Lord.

I found this quote and fits so well with my life. God knows what He's doing. He always has. I've been reflecting a lot on the past several years and finally am starting to understand. I am starting to see how my life the past couple of years has been preparing me for something bigger. That I need to go through all the crap to develop me. To be someone who can forgive more, understand pain, love deeper and trust God when my world is falling completely apart.

I feel like I'm holding my breath. Is this season over? This season of waiting? Of wondering why I came to Colorado? I don't know but I do know one thing.....

It is an awesome feeling finally starting to see what your heart kept choosing to trust, that God is faithful and His plan is bigger than your own.

Drowning

Please. Not again.

Yup again. That same feeling of helplessness, of frustration, of desertion, of loneliness.

I feel like I'm struggling to stay above the water.

These are never good season for me.

Where is this this anxious, panic feeling I have coming from?

I'm so exhausted of this cycle. This vicious, vicious cycle.

Lord, where are you? Why? I'm not asking you to change things, I'm just asking you to show up and help me in the here and now! Where are you?!

If you are reading this, pray for me. Please. Pray that I will run to the arms of my Lord because right now all I feel like doing is pushing him away because that's what I feel like he's done to me.

Thoughts on Hope

It's snowing. Today, I feel like we went from summer to winter and skipped fall. I love fall. It may be my favorite season and today I'm saddened by the skipping of it. But the snow is beautiful and has put me in a mood where I don't want to leave the house (not feeling the greatest is playing a part in that too) which then has put me in a bit of a reflective and blogging mood.

I've been thinking a lot about hope lately. HA! What am I talking about...I've been thinking about hope all year. It was the word that I choose for this year. (read more about that at an earlier post...Thoughts on 2010). It's been a theme that keeps coming up again and again without me even trying! I finally finished reading the Allure of Hope that I talked about earlier and already feel the need to reread it again. It's easier to not engage with my desires, to not engage with the longings, to stifle them down and to distract myself. But that's not living. That is just surviving and existing and sometimes that is all one can do. I've been there but it should be only a season and not a way of life.
"Our desire for more (the very thing that got us in trouble) becomes the place through which God finds our hearts. He turns our desire on its head to reveal to us that everything we want as women is found in Him. All we can be as women is found in Him." That is where my hope lies. In the place where I enter into the depths of my heart and express the desires that lie there. The desire to be loved, to love, to share life with someone, to make a difference in this world, to be working a job that makes my heart come alive and to be a woman that loves the Lord with all her heart no matter her circumstances. And maybe it's that last one that God is perfecting in me. But I will keep engaging with my desires, keep clinging to hope and trusting that God hears, listens and cares. Because if I don't, it's like I'm committing soul suicide. Hope.

I have seriously been thinking lately of getting a tattoo on my wrist that says hope. As a symbol and reminder to myself to keep hoping. To keep feeling the weight of the desire of the things I hope for Though a friend of mine told me that getting a word tattoo on my wrist is such a Christian clique and kind of made me super sad about it. I don't want to be clique. There is reason and meaning behind why I want to do it. Hope beyond my circumstances. Hope that God is going to do something with my life. Hope that God is going to meet me right where I am. Hope that He will use everything in my past and future to bring Him glory and be used in other people's lives. Hope that I can continue to trust this statement in the moments when I mess up. "God seems to be more concerned with our trust that we're being led somewhere, that He is taking us somewhere because of His love for us, then He is concerned with a flawless record along the way." I am being led somewhere, sometimes it's just not where I think I want to be or in the timing I want.

<-------- I have to remember this in those times I think that I can't keep going. In those times that I wonder why does my life have to be like this. And I am SO thankful those days are much more few and far between than they were two years ago or even a year ago. It's funny cause a number of people have called me strong the past couple of years and I laugh. Strong? ha. It's cause I've had no choice but to be and it hasn't been in my own strength. I refuse to let hard circumstance determine how I feel about my life. And if God thinks I can handle this life He's blessed me with.....well then who am I to argue?

Africa. Finally.

Below is the follow up letter that I wrote to my supporters about my trip to Africa this past summer! I always have good intentions of writing about it in here but as the weeks move on I'm afraid I won't so let me share at least this with you

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                                                                                                                              September 2011

Dear Friends and Family,

First, let me apologize that it has taken me so long to update you all on my trip from this past summer! I’m not sure where the last six weeks have gone, but better late than never, right? J

On July 5, 2011, at 3:45 a.m., I was standing outside waiting for my ride to meet the team at church and head to the airport. For years I have dreamed of going to Africa and experiencing God in that culture. My adventure to Africa was about to begin. It felt surreal.

Our first couple of days in Africa was spent in Johannesburg (commonly referred to as Joberg) visiting Woodmen’s sister church, Mosaiek, and several ministries that we help support. One of these ministries is a community center called Emthonjeni. This center is within one of the squatter camps in Joburg. When Apartheid ended, the government sectioned off land plots for 400 families, or about 2000 people, to live in. Currently, more than 75,000 people are occupying these 400 plots in this particular camp. I could go on and on about the issues within this community, but I’ll just say that the poverty is overwhelming and heartbreaking. There is no electricity, no running water, and bathrooms are overflowing outhouses. But, Emthonjeni is the little light of hope that shines in this community. There is a preschool, a senior citizen program, trade schools, and an antenatal clinic that is all made available to the people of this squatter camp. It was amazing to see, just in the one morning we were there, how God was using Emthonjeni to reach and minister to the poor.  Woodmen Valley Chapel played a huge part in establishing this center and I am so thankful that I am a part of a church that has a heart to help ministries like this one. 

We also spent some time visiting a couple of other ministries, sightseeing, petting baby lion cubs, and wandering around botanic gardens before we made our six hour bus ride to Swaziland.  Let me first say this about Swaziland; it is beautiful! It is basically in the middle of South Africa and surrounded by mountains. I felt the shift from urban city culture to rural African desert as we went across the border and customs. The more we drove into the heart of Swazi, the more desperation and poverty became apparent. Billboards you saw along the road were no longer similar to what we have in American, or like in Joburg, but were signs that advocated monogamy being a way to help contain the HIV/AIDS infection rate. We stayed in a primitive, but cozy team house during our time there, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. We cooked our own food, dealt with huge spiders, and had cold showers that sometimes ran out of water as you were all soaped up in them. We had the honor and privilege of meeting an incredible family who were our missionary hosts for the week, Eric, and his wife, Jen, and their children, Claire and Jake. They oversee our Carepoint, as well as nine other ones.

Most of our week was spent hanging out at our Carepoint. We played with kids, sang songs, did crafts, skits, games, and just were present in their lives. We would start off with maybe 20 preschool age children and, once the older ones got out of school, we would have close to 100 children running around on some days. There were also a number of women who would just come and observe from the side. One day we spent part of the day clearing some of the land and creating a soccer field and a netball field for the kids to play in. We also did an afternoon of a “shoe store,” where we were able to give away 300+ donated shoes we had brought with us.

We didn’t know which kids had parents or which ones where on their own. You could usually tell which were better taken care of based on their clothes and how dirty they were. I loved hanging out with the kids. They were all just so desperate for attention. There were days where my entire day was just spent holding toddlers. This one in particular that grabbed my heart. I never knew her name but held her numerous times. When this picture was taken, I remember praying for her and just wondering what her life was going to turn out like, as well as the difference in opportunities that she has in front of her compared to the ones I had in front of me.

Baby no pants..hiding like normal

Let me share with you a story about “baby no pants.” This was the nickname that we so lovingly bestowed upon him as the first day he showed up, he had no pants on. There was something about this little boy, who was no more than two years old that just broke my heart. If any of us came near him, he started screaming and would run behind one of the other kids and hide his face. And I don’t mean just a little crying, but I mean absolutely shrieking. At first we just thought he was scared of white people, but he did the same thing when any adult would come near him. I couldn’t help but wonder what had been done to this child to make him so scared of those who should be the ones loving him and taking care of him. I decided to make it my goal to become his friend. Sadly, that never fully happened, but I did get closer than I thought I would. The next day, we were playing with small beach balls and he was standing on the outside of the fence just watching. I picked up a ball and walked towards him. His eyes got wide as I came closer and closer, but yet, he didn’t move. I was about 15 feet away from him when I stopped, crouched down, and held the ball out to him and waited. He starred at me, trying to decide if he could trust me. He slowly walked towards me, and as soon as he snatched the ball out of my hands, he ran around me to the other kids. I just smiled and stood up and was hit with an analogy of that moment. That’s what God does with His love for us. He doesn’t force it, but stands there holding it out to us, waiting for us to come and get it. He’s so patient with us, just like I had to be with waiting for “baby no pants” to get the ball. And sometimes when we grab His love, we then run the other direction because it scares us. Yet, I think God does the same thing I did. He smiles and shakes his head slightly at us because He knows that there is nothing to be scared of, but yet he doesn’t push. He continues to wait and be patient.

Another story I want to share is about the home visit I got to go on. Every day some of the team went to a home, taking food to some of the neediest in the area. The day I went, we went to visit a woman who was in her 80s and has no family left. She lived in a nice hut compared to some of the others, but her son, who built the hut for her, died very soon after. She is alone and elderly. She had such a smile on her face, though, when we met her. She was sitting on the ground as we gave the food gift to her and explained that this was from God to her, and that God loves her and hasn’t forgotten her. She immediately crawled on to her knees, started crying a little bit, and raised her hands in praise. I couldn’t understand what she as saying, but I understood that she was overwhelmed with thankfulness to the Lord for remembering her. It was maybe one of the most moving moments there for me. This woman was so thankful for such little things, and instead of being mad at God for the situation she was in, she was praising him for remembering her. I got the chance to pray over her and then we said our good-byes. Everyone else was shaking hands with her and as I got closer I just wanted to hug this woman, so hug her I did. She giggled, gave me a good squeeze back, and said thank you in English. It is a moment and a memory I will never forget.

On one of our last days there, we got the opportunity to help with a medical clinic for the community. And the best way for me to explain this day is to put in what I wrote for our team blog that night….

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TESTING DAY

On Friday we got the opportunity to partner with the Luke Commission that goes all around Swaziland holding medical clinics. I was very impressed with the organization and what they are attempting to do in this country. They have a strong desire to not only give medical treatment and HIV testing, but to build relationships and trust with the people they are serving. It was a really emotional day for a lot of the team and God gave us all more of a glimpse into the way that this country is hurting. But, I really loved watching the way that God broke so many of our hearts that day. There were many tears shed for the Swazi people and I, of course, was no exception. The following is what I wrote in my journal that night.

It’s almost like I don’t even want to take the time to process and think about today with fear that it will leave me undone. HIV is so real and alive here. It’s been easy for me to forget that when I’m just hanging out at the Carepoint and loving on kids. But today I couldn’t run from the fact that it is and will continue to impact the lives of the children I’ve been holding all week. The moment (out-it) really slapped me in the face was when I was in the testing room. In this room we were testing people’s blood pressure, insulin levels, and for HIV. People would get tested and the results would go to the doctor in the next room who would go over them with the patients. I was mostly observing and helping a little with the HIV tests. It was hard to see people come in, be tested, and then see their results even before they did. I didn’t realize how hard it was about to be as in walks in a little boy I held forever the other day at the Carepoint. He came in with his mom and his tiny sister who I also recognized.



The two little ones who's mom was being tested



I sat there waiting to get the stick that would show the results in minutes and put it in the box for the doctor in the next room. I held my breath as I watched and waited. And then I saw it, two little lines on that stick, positive for HIV. My heart dropped and tears started forming in my eyes. Yes, all the other positive ones that I could put with faces I saw today were sad and broke my heart. But this one was different for me. It was personal. I knew that little boy. I took pictures of that little boy. I hugged and loved on that little boy. And this little boy’s mom just found out she has HIV. He’s not any older than four. It was heart shattering. How would I feel being that boy? Who possibly is so young that he won’t understand? Or that mom, who now knows that she has an incurable disease that will kill her? This then made EVERY positive result more heart shattering for me as I realized that they all are someone to someone. I may not know to whom they are important, but they are all someone’s mom, dad, daughter, son, grandma or grandpa.

I hated that this is only a small glimpse into the epidemic here. I hated seeing it. How many people went home today sad and depressed because we told them they have HIV? But I can’t let myself go in that direction because the God I serve is bigger. He is bigger than this disease and loves these people with an intense passion. And while some people went home today with sad results, they also now have medication that will give them the chance to prolong their lives for the person they are a “somebody” too. God gave me a bit more of His heart today for the HIV stricken people of Swaziland.

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We got to be a part of the first church service at our Carepoint. The day we arrived there, we were informed that they had finally found a pastor and would be able to start their church. It was incredible to experience worshiping God with another culture and in another language. It’s so easy sometimes to forget that God isn’t “American,” but that He is cross-cultural and so much bigger than I can even imagine! Leaving Swazi was hard because I knew I was about to head home to my comfortable life, while the children I had held and played with continue to live in poverty and deal with the HIV/AIDs pandemic.

Thankfully, before heading back to the states, we had two nights at a Christian retreat center to give us some time to reflect and have down time before the intense travel back. During this time, we had the opportunity to go on a safari game drive in Kruger National Park in South Africa. It was an incredible experience of getting to see the African wildlife in its own turf.

But can I be honest? At the end of my trip I was disappointed. I wanted my life to be absolutely turned upside down; I wanted to be completely messed up and undone. And I wasn’t. Yes, so many things I saw touched me, and yes, the trip did change me in many ways, but I thought I would have the same emotional reaction to things like I did the first time I went to Northern Ireland. I felt bad and guilty that it didn’t happen. What I realized after I got back is that I shouldn’t have expected my 27 year old self to experience things like I did when I was 17. That’s ten years of life experience that was filled with international travel, ministry, and education! Duh! Of course it’s not going to affect me the same. So, the question now is how did it affect me? How did it change me? How am I going to take the things I saw and experienced and learn from them? I’m not even sure I know the answers to that now even though it’s been 6 weeks! I do think I’m more grateful for things like hot showers and that I have a job to go to. But, it’s also so easy to get back into the swing of life here and take them for granted again.



Kids eating at the CarePoint



One of the biggest things I walked away from Africa with was the intense desire to do cross cultural ministry again. I miss it and being there stirred up the desire to serve the Lord overseas again.  I’ve had a heart for missions for a long time, and it’s kind of surreal to feel like God’s leading me to pursue that desire again. Since I’ve been home, I’ve been praying a lot about this and have randomly been making connections with people that could help push this forward for me to go international again. Just this past week, I spoke with Young Life’s international recruiter about the process of applying and being on international staff. Maybe so much of the past couple of years has been about setting me up with the right organization and the right people support before I could do missions again. Pray for me in this as I start to move forward and seek God on if this is what he’s calling me to do!

I hope you enjoyed reading this long letter and got a little glimpse of what my trip was like. Thank you so much for your support as I could never have gone without you. J



Notice her shirt! She was a favorite!  



    

Two Years with YL

It's been two years since my first day working here at Young Life. It was the start of a new season of my life and the ending of another one. I remember feeling so welcomed my first day and thankful for the friendships that formed quickly with coworkers. I'm thankful for the way they reached out and loved me when I went through the worst breakup of my life only like a week and half after I started. I'm thankful that God had placed me in this job in the timing he did because it was this that confirmed to me that I was still suppose to be in Colorado despite the loss of the relationship that was the reason I moved.

I love Young Life. I love it's heart and vision. I love that I get to hear the hearts of the "higher ups" and watch them tear up as they talk about the vision of camp and stories from them. I love that I get to see the inner workings of a huge non profit. It's not perfect and you have the normal office politics but I'm so thankful that I work for a company that values it's employees and takes care of them.

Granted my actual job with Young Life does not stir my heart up and actually slowly kills my soul some days but the fact that I work for an organization that reaches young people is enough to keep me going. I know I won't be in this department forever but I have feeling my time with Young Life is probably going to be a lot longer.

This summer I wondered if one of the reasons I dated Stephen was so I would move here and be connected with the organization I was to do long term ministry with! We will see.

Oh and PS I've decided to start the application process for being on international staff with Young Life. :)

Restless.

I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of struggling.

I'm tired of fighting myself.

I'm tired of not being able to say no.

I'm tired of missing people.

I'm tired of living far away from family.

I'm tired of being single.

I'm tired of "best friends" who arent there.

I'm tired of feelings of jealousy.

I'm tired of not doing something I love.

I'm tired of not seeing results when I work at something.

I'm tired of the journey.

I'm tired of being restless.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for not having it more together.

I'm tired of feeling hypocritical

I'm tired of trying to meet the high standard I have for my self.

I'm tired of a particular sin struggle.

I'm tired of insecurities.

I'm tired of wanting to be closer to the Lord but yet not making the effort I need.

I'm tired of wanting to throw everything to wind and do whatever I want.

I'm just TIRED!

Ugh. Sigh.

Lost. Hope. Desire.

***Disclaimer***
 ***This is me rambling and processing out loud the emotions and the feelings of this past week.***
***I didn't reread it. There are probably typos. Get over it.***

I love this because it is so true.

On Saturday I sat there on the couch in the office that I am very familiar with. Determined. Somehow, in the last 24 hours I had found the determination I needed. If I was going to have to engaged in this process, well than I was going to give it everything I have! So, there I sat for an hour and cried during a lot it. It was good to talk through what I was thinking and feeling with someone who has walked the journey of these past two years with me on a counseling level. And she reminded me of how far I have come and how this isn't a step back but just another step in the process. She also gently reminded me that grieving is a process and that I need to allow it to happen to ever be able to move on. It also helped me see that it is a huge possibility that it isn't so much the person in the relationship itself that I'm still grieving but the loss of the dreams and hopes I had within that relationship. And I'm angry about the loss of those things and have put blame and anger on the person for sure. And whether deserved or not, I don't really know but at this point, honestly, I don't really care. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to put the past in the past. I want to forgive and not be bitter that my life didn't turn out the way I dreamed it would when I was with him. I don't want to be bitter that I gave up so much and moved my entire life for a relationship that left me so completely empty and broken. I want to trust that the Lord is bigger than that and sees the big picture when I am unable to.

On Sunday I started house sitting the house that I lived in when I first moved here. A house that has SOOOOOOOO many memories (both good and bad) of this person I'm struggling to forgive and of this relationship I'm attempting to fully let myself grieve. That is why in my last post I made the comment about how timing is interesting. There is no coincidence in all this and I thought that maybe being in this house is my chance to face those demons and memories head on and so I did.

What I'm about to say may sound corny and cheesy but I don't really care. It was important for me to do and something I felt like I was suppose to do. I called a dear friend of mine to come over and we headed down into the basement into the room that had been my room while I lived there. At first I thought I was going to be fine and then as we started talking I felt the emotions start to rise in me. My first reaction was to push them down and not acknowledge them. But it was like my inner voice started yelling me. "Seriously, Jess?! How do you expect to fully grieve and move on if you won't even allow your body to physically feel what is going on in your heart?". So, I did. I let them come and come they did. I kneeled on the floor and cried my eyes out as I poured my heart out to the Lord. I confessed some of my sin from that relationship and the things I know that I did that didn't honor Him, I asked Him to break whatever deep bonds my heart still seemed to have with this person and with these dreams/hopes. But more importantly I ask the Lord to help me forgive and let go. To really forgive with expecting nothing from him....ever....no apology, no affirmation that I did at one time mean something and he still cares on some level and even to the point of never expecting to have him contact me again. Forgiveness isn't something that should be based on conditions or expectations of the other person acting a certain way. It just should be. So, in the midst of all that I found myself starting to pray for him and it is one of the rare times in recent days that I felt like I really meant what I was praying.....a glimpse that maybe, just maybe I'm making progress.

I had counseling homework to do. I had to write my ex boyfriend a letter. Not one I would actually ever send him but just one I could write and express what was going in my head and heart. I was given this same assignment to do about a year and half ago. I knew I saved it somewhere so I dug it up and reread what I had written in April of 2010. Wow. You know those moments where you sometimes wonder why you aren't over something and are upset that you haven't really come that far in a year but then something reminds you of how you use to feel? Yup! Reading that letter was one of those moments for me. It was so incredibly encouraging to see how much I have worked through and how far I have come. And it was once again clear to me that this current process is way bigger than just about the person. Actually, I think that he just plays minor role now. I have given him more power and responsibility in my emotional life than he deserves or is responsible for. Yes, I'm still working towards forgiving him but I think it's gotten a little easier now that I'm recognizing some of the anger/bitterness I feel doesn't have anything to do with him.

There was a phrase this past week I heard that left me with such a sense of freedom. And it's the idea that my job is to enter into in the process and be faithful in that and His job is the outcome. I can't forgive on my own, I can't finish grieving and coming to terms of the loss of these hopes and dreams in my life. But what I can do is be faithful in continuing to walk this journey, no matter how hard and no matter how many tears are cried.

On Thursday, I once again sat on that familiar couch and read the letter I wrote. I cried through some of it and other parts didn't. When I had finished I looked up and gave a sigh of relief as I heard the words "I'm hearing really healthy processing and progress". I knew it had been happening this week but I just needed someone else to validate it.

Which brings me to this.....It has always been a deep desire in me to love, support and share life with someone. When I was with Stephen I got glimpses of what that would look like and was so excited about the possibility of it! And then we broke up and my dreams were, as you would expect, shattered. It amazes me how much I don't understand what is going on within me sometimes. But Thursday night I realized more that a lot of this grieving process I'm still in has nothing to do with Stephen but has to do with the dreams of being with someone. Somewhere deep down in me letting go of these dreams I had in that relationship is so hard because I'm scared because what if it never happens again? I'm too scared to hope because I wonder if I can I deal with that disappointment....again? So, in a way I don't want to be done grieving the dreams I had in that relationship completely because they are all I have. And once I'm done grieving than I have to face the reality of how deep the desire and ache is in me to love someone. And face the intensity of that ache while I am single with no promise of there ever being someone.

And you know what? I'm NOT okay with the idea that I may be single for the rest of my life. There. I said it. I'm really not okay with it. And it's not because I don't think I can be happy and live a full life without it because I would like to think that I am living one of those right now. And it's not that if it doesn't happen then life isn't worth living. I'm just not okay with the idea that I won't one day get the chance to share life with someone in the context of marriage. THERE! I SAID IT! And I feel bad for feeling that way. I feel shame and guilty for even typing it. And you know why because somewhere in me says that if I really feel that way then I am saying that God isn't enough. He is enough but at the same time I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be okay being alone and single. Can both those feelings coexist? I mean they must....since they do....in me.

I spent a lot of Thursday session talking about this and how I need to be more honest with myself and God regarding the depth of these desires. Where have I picked up that this is wrong and not okay to feel? It would be wrong if I was telling God that he better sort all this out in MY time and when I want it to be. But I'm not. I'm not forcing the issue. I'm living a full and busy life and enjoying it as a single person. I don't hate my life. I'm not going out and getting myself a man just cause I don't want to be alone and want to love someone. I'm willing to wait for God's best. I think I've experienced enough heartache in my life that I'd rather be single than with the wrong person BUT that doesn't mean I'm ever going to be okay with the idea. And I could prove myself wrong in the future but currently this is how it seems to be going.....

What an emotional week! But I feel like I'm growing a lot and that's always a good thing. The biggest thing I'm walking away from this week with is how important it is for me to be honest with myself and God. Not matter how stupid I feel, no matter how wrong I know the feelings are and not matter if what I'm feeling isn't true. The feeling is real and there. If I don't admit it and push it down......it's going to eventually explode out. It's amazing how hard it so to not fight and how hard it is to convince yourself the need to fight. But then once you do and once you enter into the battle and the process.......it somehow becomes easier. That happened this week and all I could wonder was why the heck I didn't do some of this before!

But I'm thankful. SO THANKFUL that there is someone who has the full perspective and who cares about the tears I cry. I'm thankful that He can do all things when I can not. I'm thankful that He loves me enough to push me in this journey to make me more like Christ.

The Battle.

You have noticed I haven't really written that much. I haven't done much processing or writing about Africa.  I want to and I know I will but ever since I've gotten home there has been emotions in me that I haven't been able to explain or understand.

Sadness. Depression. Lack of energy.

I thought it was just let down and jetlag. And It probably was some of that but that doesn't explain how earlier this week I went to bed at 8pm several nights in a row cause I just didn't feel like doing anything else. That is not me. That is so weird for me. And I didn't understand what was going on.

I figured it until later this week week. I thought this was over. I thought I was done. I thought I was out of this desert.

But nope. I'm still very angry and bitter and unforgiving. What have I done wrong to be here? What else can I do? I know I can't do it in my own strength....I've never thought that. But it feels God has left me high and dry.

I don't want to feel this way and ever ounce of me wants to be full of forgiveness. But the honest truth is I'm not. And I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tried of the cycle of thinking I'm finally over it and moved on. And then. BAM. Something is triggered and I'm not. And early this week was all about me fighting having to enter into this process again. What's the point? It still wont be over, right? I mean every time I think it is......it isn't.

But what other choice do I have? None. So, right now it's about trying to find the emotional strength and energy to let God drag me back into the heart of the desert.....again.

It's interesting the timing of everything and it's not just chance.

But come Saturday at 4pm.....the battle in the desert begins.

Please Lord, can this be it? Can we win this time? For good?

Restless.

The excitement of being gone and back home has worn off. Did Africa even happen? Is this just the let down from the trip? Well, the routine of life has started to set in again in full swing. It is back to normal.

And it's left me incredibly restless.

It's that feeling of I was made for more than the the life that I am experiencing now. It's the feeling that there is something big just up around the corner. Or is that feeling more of just a hope for that?

Something about Africa, about the missionaries we met, about doing international ministry again stirred something in me that I haven't felt in years. It was an excitement, it was a moment of this is what I was made to do, a thought of I could do cross cultural ministry for the rest of my life.

Gasp. Did I really just say that? Where are these feelings and desires coming from? God, is this you? Or is this just my high from a missions trip experience? All these thoughts and more were swirling around my head during my trip. Is God leading me into a season of starting to pursue this? Has the past couple of years just been about setting me up for this now? Could it be possible that God had to remove my intense desire for international ministry all together so that He could place me in the ministry He would want me to go with? So that I would have some more life experience and experience His faithfulness in despite and rough times?



Bangor, Northern Ireland



Then something happened a couple of days after I got home. Something that I didn't think ever would again. I was searching around Young Life's website and saw Young Life Northern Ireland. WHAT! No way. It's only a volunteer club and I have no idea how active it is or anything about it. But it's in Northern Ireland. And it's in Bangor. I know where that is. I went there all the time. And I love Young Life. I would love to go somewhere in the world with them. But they are in Northern Ireland! And in  area of Northern Ireland that there isn't a Youth for Christ which is important to me cause I wouldn't want to feel like competing with another organization. And it's far enough away from where I was before that it would feel like a new start and a new adventure. But at the same time not a new start because I know the country, I am familiar with the culture, I adore the people and my heart has been broken for the youth.

Then I felt it as all these thoughts started flying through my head. No, it's not possible. Seriously? It's back. I haven't felt this since the start of summer 2008. It's that excitement and that desire but not just for international ministry but for ministry in Northern Ireland.

I think I started crying. Is God leading me back there? Is it possible that when I felt that call back in the summer of 2001 to Northern Ireland that it wasn't just for those three years I had been there?

I don't know but I do know one thing the next couple of months will be spent praying. A lot of praying. And my spirit will probably remain restless with the longings and desires that are being stirred up that leave me holding my breath.

Africa.....a brief recap

I have attempted to start this blog several times but struggle so much with the where do I even begin. How do I start to process the last couple of weeks let alone share the experience in a way others can understand? How do I even express the feelings and the experiences that I had? I do not know. But what I can do is give you a brief recap of the trip......

• Traveling to Joburg was intense. It was a straight 16 hour flight from Atlanta. I've done a number of long flights but that has been the longest! I like traveling though and airports. And it's a lot more fun to travel with a group of people than on my own as I have in the past. Despite all that thought I was way ready for the plane to finally land in South Africa.
• We stayed four days in Joburg before going to our Care Point in Swaziland. We spent the days with our sister church, Mosaiek, visiting various ministries of theirs. We went to a home for people with disabilities that was amazing and we spent some time in a home for abandoned babies that touched all of our hearts. We also visited a community center, Emthonjeni, that was in the slums. This is the same community center that our First Lady had visited several weeks prior. It was heartbreaking to see this slum in the middle of a city that had such wealth as well but it was awesome to hear about how the community center was reaching out and loving people. We also did a little bit of sight seeing that included petting baby lion cubs and than seeing larger lions way closer than I'm comfotable with. ha.
• We attend church as Mosaiek and it was awesome. Reminded me of Woodmen except in a different language. After church our journey to Swazi began and involved a six hour drive which was about 5 and half hours too long.
• In Swazi we stayed at the Adventures in Mission team house which was kinda cool as AIM was the organization that I went on my first missions trip with.
• Swaziland was awesome and fell in love with our carepoint and the people at it. More on this at another time...many kids to tell about and stories to share.
• I loved the Swazi church service and seeing just how global the God we serve is.
• It was a good experience to rough it during the trip. It was dirty, cold water and we cooked a lot of our own food. It bonded our team and I wouldn't have had it any other way!
• The team was awesome and all got along great. I LOVED watching God move in the hearts of those around me.
• On our last full day in Africa we went on a game drive in Kruger National Park. It was absolutly freezing to start off but an incredible experience of seeing the African wildlife on it's own turf.
• The trip home was ABSOLUTLY BRUTAL! I came down with a cold the morning of and had my first experience of throwing up on an airplane. But after 36+ hours of total travel time I made it to my comfotable little condo that I would never look at the same again.

I've been home for five days now and in some ways it's like I never left but then in many other ways I feel like I'm not the same person. And I don't want to be the same person. I want to be changed and different. I want the experiences I had to shape me for the rest of my life.

So watch this space as I start processing and reflecting. I'm sure I'll be writing A LOT in the weeks to come.

The End of Thirty Days of Thankfulness

So this whole project turned out to be more of a "what am I gonna write about" instead of "what am I thankful for". Am kinda disappointed with myself that I allowed it to turn into that. And I struggled a lot with what to write. I know I have lots to be thankful for so why has it been so hard identifying those things. I was talking to Jodi about some of this and right away she told me that I needed to read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. So, I bought it for my plane ride to Africa......I don't know much about the book except that it goes along the same lines of what I was trying to do with this blog lately.

But with saying all that. It's day thirty and today.....

I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to Africa

It's here. Tomorrow I leave. For Africa. Wait. Did I just say tomorrow I leave for Africa? Wow. It's here. It still doesn't seem real. I'm leaving tomorrow.

I had a friend who went to Africa before give me some advice that she was given....

"You have to completely forget yourself, forget what you want to get from the trip, forget the things you want to do, and completely open your heart to God leading you."

Truth! I want to do that. I have very little expectations as I don't know what to expect but I'm excited. I'm excited to watch God move, to have my heart be more broken, to have my life turn upside down, to become more like Christ.

I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to experience a new culture and to experience God in a different culture.

But I'm scared. Terrified. I know me. I know how my heart works. I know how my heart breaks. And I know I've never experienced anything like I will in Swaziland. I know my heart is going to break. I know there will be many tears shed. I know there will be many questions asked of God. I know I'm going to be struggle and wrestling long after I return. And it scares me. I know some of these questions are going to be left unanswered and how am I going to handle that? I don't know. How am I going to handle living the life I do here after I've experienced seeing the way they live life over there?

But will deal with all that later. I want to be in each moment along this journey! In the moment of the airplane ride over, in the quiet moments right before bed, in the moments with each and every child and person I meet. I want to soak it all in and savor every moment.

Pray for me. Pray for our team. Pray that God would move.

Follow our team's blog. www.wvcswaziland.blogspot.com

Our schedule and prayer points. http://ow.ly/d/hcn

Day 21-29: Catching up.....

So, basically between work, social life, babysitting, being sick and everything in between - I've slacked in this. Completely. So, here I am playing a little catch up.



Day 21
I'm thankful that God has always provided for me. No matter what financial thing comes my way, God's always been faithful to see me through without too much hardship. And as I'm spending so much money on things I need for Africa I'm trusting that He'll pull through again! :)

Day 22
 I'm thankful for journals. It has become such a place for me to offload and process life. Then later look back and see the ways God has moved in my life and situations. 


Day 23
I'm thankful for rain storms. I love them. I love the smell of them. I love the sound of thunder and the wait lightening lights up the night sky.

Day 24
I'm thankful that I've learned to actually enjoy my quiet nights alone. That even sometimes I look forward to them and need them once in a while. (I'll repeat ONCE IN A WHILE)


Day 25
I'm thankful for a mentor who listens to my heart and encourages and suggest books for me accordingly. :)


Day 26
I'm thankful that I work for an organization where my the financial directior (my boss's boss boss) thought it was important to take the time to grab some of my co-workers and pray over me my last day of work before Africa. Blessed. 


Day 27
 I'm thankful for men in the world like Andy Stanley (I got to hear him speak recently) and how he is impacting and making a difference in so many lives. "The church is not for church people but for people people".


Day 28
I'm thankful for Saturday mornings and the sleep ins that always leave me feeling refreshed! 

Day 29
I'm thankful for "escape times". You know those moments where you just need to get out of town? I had one of those this past weekend and went and saw my dear friend Laura and her husband and it was exactly what my heart needed. 

And today is Day 30 but that deserves a post all of it's own.

Day Twenty: I'm thankful for the beauty of creation

 

 I'm housesitting this incredibly beautiful house this week. And this morning decided that I was going to take some time and just sit outside. It's was so beautiful. It makes me wish I lived somewhere I could do this every morning. I love the beauty of the creation around us. There is something that is peaceful and calming about being around nature. We take it for granted all the time and today I want to stop and acknowledge it.

Today, I'm thankful for the beauty of creation.

Day Nineteen: Thankful for lots of little things.....

I'm sitting here staring at this screen trying to think of what to write about and be thankful about today. It shouldn't be this hard and all that is coming to mind is the little things that put a smile on my face....so today....

I'm thankful for the little things.

Like sunsets behind the mountians

random text messages

 amazing summer lightening storms

 sweet forehead kisses

baby giggles

 the feeling of knowing adventure is around the corner

Conversations that stay with you

good hugs

smiles shared between friends that say a thousand words

phone calls just to say I miss you

real letters/cards that come in the mail

soft and clean sheets

pillows

hot tubs

frozen yogurt

coffee

hot tea on a sore throat

and the list could go on and on

I usually take all the above for granted but they all mean the world to me (some more then others of course).

Day Eighteen: I'm thankful for little blessings

Sometimes it's the little things in life that brighten your day and week. And then sometimes it's the little larger, random things that brighten your week as well! This week I got a call from our local radio station that I won a competition to be apart of a little exclusive performance by the band Parachute. This my favorite song by them below.....

Swoon. Yes. Love this song. So today......

I'm thankful for the little blessings in life.

It's things like these that I feel like God is showing me his love and pursuance of me. I know that probably sounds slightly cheesy but I'm okay with that. It's between me and God and no else needs to understand. But I am thankful for the little blessings that He throws my way to show me he loves me.

Day Seventeen: I'm thankful for Jonny Best

Ah! I love chocolate. Living in Northern Ireland spoiled me for life though.

I hate American chocolate now. And this week I received a lovely little package that had chocolate from the UK in it!

And lovely little happy 8th birthday card. Not because it's my birthday but because my friendship with the person who sent this is almost eight years old.

So today I'm thankful for Jonny Best

I love this boy! He is one of my favorite people ever. We met during Summer Madness in Belfast and proceed to do Streetreach together. He was 17 and my little blessing of encouragement. God used him so much in my years in Northern Ireland to bless me, encourage me and remind me that people do value who I am. He would take me on "date nights" and talk about how all guys are stupid cause they weren't asking me out. He was like the perfect little brother! I admired his desire for the Lord and how He lived his life completely sold out for him. We've kept in touch since I left and I am so so so so proud of the man that he has become. A man who loves the Lord and loves others with all he is. Who's only desire is to serve God and be where God wants him to be....no matter where that is.

I'm so blessed to have this man in my life and blessed by the way that he loves me and shows he cares about me and my life even when I'm thousands of miles away. I love him dearly and he will always be like a brother to me.



Day Sixteen: I'm thankful for the ability to be thankful

Wow. You know what amazes me is that I KNOW I have so much to be thankful for but I'm struggling with things to write. It is because I want to sound so profound and be able to write loads about it? That's lame. I should be able to just clearly state the little things I am thankful for too. So today......

I'm thankful that I can be thankful.

The ability to recognize the blessings in my life come from the work of God in my life. It's so easy to get caught up in life, what isn't there, what I don't have and what is missing in life. Instead of being focused on the blessing that shower me every day. I want to be more aware of the things I have to be thankful for than I am right now. But I am thankful that I'm aware that I have a need to be more than what I am now. :) 

Simple but good.