Regrets

 "Your present will become your past that will show up in your future"

Haunting words. I wish I heard them two and half years ago. Before I started making some seriously bad decisions that have shown up again and again in my future.

I wish I had been wise enough to realize what I was doing would follow me for years. That it would haunt my dreams, my thoughts, my sleep, my relationships, my present life. And not only haunt but that it would be easier for me to make those same decisions again and again. Thus, once again my past is showing up in my present that will become my past that will show up once again in my future. Oh, vicious cycle! Sometimes I do win and break the cycle and other times I help it continue with a vengeance. Of course, later those actions again haunt me and leave me feeling....

Regret. Shame.

I was listening Andy Stanly speaking to singles the other day and one of the things he said was that we need to be careful not to be the reason of or become apart of someone's regret.  I wonder how many regrets of others I played a part in? I sometimes wonder if these people who are apart of mine would care if they knew? One specifically. But this one always gave the impression that they were proud of how they "corrupted" me. I laughed about it then. But I wonder if they have any idea the number of tears that I've cried about it all now? The number of nights that I lost sleep because of it? The number of times I wish I could go back and make different choices. I wonder if they realize that it's one of the real reason why we can't be friends because they now represent regret and shame for me?

Wow. Actually I don't think I realized they represented that until just now. I hate that. I hate that I can't think about anything involving them without a stab of pain and I guess it's because I hold so much regret in it all.

And this is when I'm brought to my knees and overwhelmed about someone above who offers more things to myself than I do.

Forgiveness. Mercy. Grace. Love.

He will always have those things for me when I don't have them for myself. I am so thankful for that.

I'm broken and I have been for a while. But I think I'm finally starting to learn from my brokenness. And God's slowly showing me how He's redeeming my mistakes and my regrets into something beautiful.