The Allure of Hope.....

What comes to your mind when someone asks you to think about the word "hope"? As many of you know hope was my chosen word for the year and it's been interesting to watch how it's been coming up in my life. I'm currently reading a book called The Allure of Hope with a dear friend of mine. As I've been reading I have realized some misconceptions of hope that I have. When I think about hope I think about anticipation, promise and excitement. But what I forgot about, or maybe just never realized, was that the feeling of yearning, anguish, ache, doubt and struggle are just as much intertwined with hope.

"The reality is, hope is something that rises up inside of us with a gentle strength that requires a response...responding to it brings a deepened sense of thirst, a deepened ache"

Does that mean that maybe....just maybe....the more hope rises in you....the more you will feel the ache and longings. When I read that there was a part of me the gave a sigh of relief. For the last several weeks and months I have been wondering what is wrong with me. Life is good and so many things have come together for me in the last year but yet I feel as my longings and desires for more have increased. The discontentment in life and the lack of being satisfied with where I am has grown. But maybe it has grown because I've been embracing more my hope for present and for the future. And just maybe that's the way it's suppose to be.

 "If hope produces a deepened desire, an aching waiting, why do we, individual and collectively, speak and act as though maturity means we have become satisfied?"

 Ah! Does that mean it's possible that the more mature we become actually means the more dissatisfied we become? So many times I think that maturity and growth will result in contentment. But maybe it's the more you grown, the more aware of your desires and longings, the more you realize that nothing here will satisfy and thus the more unsatisfied you feel.

"We are conditioned to believe that feelings of distress, pain, deprivation, yearning and longing mean something is wrong with the way we are living our lives...Comfort means "right" and distress means "wrong." Individually and collectively we must somehow recover the truth. The truth is, we were never meant to be completely satisfied"

I have felt this way so much lately, that because of the deep longings that I must be doing something wrong in my life. It has been such a source of frustration for me as I have no idea what else to do and couldn't pin point what I was doing wrong. So when I read the above it confirmed so much of what I have been experiencing. The more I hope, the more I'm aware of my longings, the more I realize how I'm not satisfied here, the more I know that I was never meant to be satisfied here. And maybe all these things everyone else has sorted out and was fully aware of but it gave me a greater sense of freedom to hope and to fully feel the longings, to fully feel unsatisfied but yet know that it is okay. I'm made for more than what I'll experience here on earth the Creator of all will one day complete my longings and desires and in that I am content and satisfied.

"We intrinsically know that hope is a painful process. Yet we want to have the courage to respond to hope anyway"

My new hunk of burning LOVE!

This last weekend has been the most amazing ever! I have met the man of my dreams. He is very attentive, caring and loves to spoil me rotten with wonderful, wet kisses! What more could I ask for. He makes all the other guys I have dated like old, grumpy men. Watch out girls - he's mine!

P.S. I shouldn't keep my blog logged in on my sister's computer. I am sooo irresponsible!

Two Years of Faithfulness

Two years ago today I left Chicago and made the long drive to my new home, Colorado Springs. I was so happy. I was full of so much hope for the future and so excited about the journey I was about to embark on. Little did I know I was about to enter the hardest years of my life and it would be rocked by events several times. But I survived and I grew a lot. And now it's been two years. Has it really only been two years? But then at the same time I can't believe it's ALREADY been two years.

As I think back over my time here in the Springs the phrase that comes back to mind again and again is ..... God is faithful. As I think about all the ways He has been to me over the past two years I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. In this time I have experienced the deepest depression, the deepest pain and the deepest loneliness I ever have in my life. There were times I didn't know how I was going to survive. I didn't know how I was going to make it. There were times that I felt so incredible alone in this journey and I had no one to turn. And while I felt the deep abandonment by the person who was the reason I moved that first year and while my heart was laying in pieces once again by a different man who made many promises but failed to keep any of them.....I felt God whisper to me over and over "It'll be okay. I will never leave you".

And He didn't. I still have the same strong sense that I am suppose to be here that I had driving in that car from Chicago. Why? I don't know. But what I do know is that I work for an amazing organization with amazing people. I am so thankful for that. I go to an incredible church that is my nitch and feels like home. That I get to work with an incredible student ministry and love my young people to bits. That slowly my community is growing here and God is providing people when I need them. Sure, it's not what I would want it to be and it's not like college but he provides what I need when I need. Not more and not less. I have the opportunity to start grad school this fall and have several friends from college who are all starting with me. How can I complain? When I look around me and around this world and see so much pain and hurt.....I realize how little mine is in comparison. That despite it all... I am blessed.

I've learned to live on day at a time. To not be seeking for the next adventure but to look for the adventure that is in today. I've learned (and am still learning) that nothing compares to my relationship with the Lord. That everyone else will disappoint and leave me. But through thick and thin God has and always will be there. There is a song that I've been hearing a lot lately that sums up perfectly what I've been learning the past two years.

Forever Reign by Hillsong

You are good you are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love you are love

On display for all to see

You are light you are light

When the darkness closes in

You are hope you are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace you are peace

Whom my fear in crippling

You are true you are true

Ever in my wandering

You are joy you are joy

You're the reason that i sing

You are life you are life

In you death has lost its sting

Oh I'm running to your arms

I'm running to your arms

The riches of your love will always be enough

Nothing compares to your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

You are more you are more

Than my words will ever say

You are lord you are lord

All creation will proclaim

You are here you are here

In your presence I'm made whole

You are god you are god

Of all else I'm letting go

Hallelujah forever

All the glory forever

All the praise to you

My heart will sing

No other name

Jesus Jesus

As each day goes by I learn more and more how He is the only thing that will satisfy my thirsty soul. And some days I learn that the easy way by speaking it and believing it and other days I learn it the hard way by experiencing how other things/people/events don't satisfy.

I don't know why God has brought me here and I don't understand why my journey has become what it has. But what I trust is that God's plan for me is better than anything I could come up with on my own. And that because of these past two years I am stronger person, my faith is deeper and my love for the Lord is greater. And that, my friends, is priceless. :)

So, how much longer will I be living in Colorado? Who knows. I'm here today and probably tomorrow too but beyond that.........wait and see.

Regrets

 "Your present will become your past that will show up in your future"

Haunting words. I wish I heard them two and half years ago. Before I started making some seriously bad decisions that have shown up again and again in my future.

I wish I had been wise enough to realize what I was doing would follow me for years. That it would haunt my dreams, my thoughts, my sleep, my relationships, my present life. And not only haunt but that it would be easier for me to make those same decisions again and again. Thus, once again my past is showing up in my present that will become my past that will show up once again in my future. Oh, vicious cycle! Sometimes I do win and break the cycle and other times I help it continue with a vengeance. Of course, later those actions again haunt me and leave me feeling....

Regret. Shame.

I was listening Andy Stanly speaking to singles the other day and one of the things he said was that we need to be careful not to be the reason of or become apart of someone's regret.  I wonder how many regrets of others I played a part in? I sometimes wonder if these people who are apart of mine would care if they knew? One specifically. But this one always gave the impression that they were proud of how they "corrupted" me. I laughed about it then. But I wonder if they have any idea the number of tears that I've cried about it all now? The number of nights that I lost sleep because of it? The number of times I wish I could go back and make different choices. I wonder if they realize that it's one of the real reason why we can't be friends because they now represent regret and shame for me?

Wow. Actually I don't think I realized they represented that until just now. I hate that. I hate that I can't think about anything involving them without a stab of pain and I guess it's because I hold so much regret in it all.

And this is when I'm brought to my knees and overwhelmed about someone above who offers more things to myself than I do.

Forgiveness. Mercy. Grace. Love.

He will always have those things for me when I don't have them for myself. I am so thankful for that.

I'm broken and I have been for a while. But I think I'm finally starting to learn from my brokenness. And God's slowly showing me how He's redeeming my mistakes and my regrets into something beautiful. 

Feeling Empty

Longings. Desires. Dreams. Passions. Goals.

I have so many of them. Some of them have been there for years! But so many of them seem like they will never be fulfilled. That they are so far from within reach. It makes me feel empty in a lot of ways. I'm impatient. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of pretending like it doesn't bother me. I'm tired of continually wanting more.

So, let's try it my way. Let's not wait on God's timing. Let's not wait for the best. Let's settle and do what I want now because now is all that matters right? I'm tired of waiting on God. I'm tired of waiting for His timing. Here is an opportunity, I'll take it. Sure it's not what I really want, sure it's not going to last, sure I know it's not God's best for me but it's just about this moment, right? It wont really affect my future and won't impact me so who cares, right?

Wrong.

How easy it is to forget the great feeling in the moment will haunt you after. That the enjoyment of the moment won't last. That filling the longings, the desires, and the dreams with empty things will leave you feeling......empty. And more than you did before.

Brokenness.

It's the place I find myself once again.

Once again I'm faced with the realization that I'm a sinner and I screw up all the time.

I'm so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. That He loves me, despite me. That He accepts this fallen and broken creature and still desires me.

Hope. Trust.

Hope. There is that word again.....it like haunts me now. And everywhere I turn situations are challenging me to do just that....Hope. So, today I choose hope. Hope that things will eventually change. Hope that the desires and longings will be filled. And trust that God's plan and timing is better than mine.  Because I know it is.....it's just easy to forget how messed up I feel on the other side when I try my own.

To see or not to see

When you look at a person what do you see? Do you see the faults, the sin, the annoying things? When you look at someone do you judge what they are wearing? Or their story? Or what they are doing with their lives? What do you think about when you look at someone?

This question has come up several times in my life in the last few months and I've realized something about myself. Like any person I have my moments of judging others but more often then not when I look at someone I see the potential in them. And not always where they are at right now but where they could be. This tends to get me in trouble and tends to put me in situation where I end up getting hurt (those can be whole other blogs!). I've been thinking a lot about if I want to work on that and change to protect myself from pain. But the other night I was hanging out with a friend, who recently had hurt me, and they were opening up about some things in their life. As this person spoke, my heart just ached. The pain I saw in their eyes that they tried to mask and the hurt I heard in the voice was enough to make everything in me just want to reach out and fix it and heal the pain. I knew I couldn't and I knew I hadn't even earned the right to speak into their life yet in the deep way that I yearned to. I felt like God told me just to listen so I listened. And as I listened and heard the depth of this person's heart I saw it. I saw the desire for more, the desire to be healthy again, the desire to be different and to be changed, the desire to feel alive again. I saw the potential and it blew me away and broke my heart at the same time because this person person does not see it at all. And it was then that I decided even though I sometimes can see the good in people to a fault I don't want to change. I think I'd rather deal with the pain and hurt that comes from being that way then not being able to see potential and believe in people.

People need someone to believe in them, to see the good in them, to give them the chance to be more than what they are. To be encouraged and to have someone have hope for them when they no longer are able to hope themselves! Isn't that what Jesus did? Not that he excused behavior or sin but he believed in people. And loved people where they were at. He didn't ask them to be more or less, he just loved.

I want to love like that. I want to have hope for those who have no more hope. I want to see the good when no one else does. I want to believe people are more than what they even think they are. I want to see people the way God does.

And this friend......well I don't know how the end will result for them....but I do know that I've done NOTHING but been praying constantly since that conversation that they will see themselves the way God does and the way I do.

Don't give up on people, don't lose hope on them, be one of the those people that believe and that encourage because sometimes that is all someone needs. To know that someone else thinks they can make it.

Swaziland

A couple of weekends ago I watched a documentary on Swaziland called "Dear Francis". Within that hour I experienced many different things within. Anger. Frustration. Sorrow. Pain. Helpless. Confusion. Questions. Tears.

My world got a little bigger. My understanding of the world a little less.

"I've tested 35 people so far today. Only 5 have been negative."

Teaching abstience is not only about a moral/Biblical issue in Swazi anymore. It's a life and death situation and about a culture in danger of being wiped out.

I'm not sure my brain even can grasp the idea of that. How spoiled are we? How selfish? Living our middle class American life where we complain about what we do and dont have. But yet compared to the world we are rich. So rich. We have houses, food, money, and health. Like I said, rich.

What are you doing with your riches?