By Your Side

The last couple of days have been kinda rough. Frustrated and disapointed with myself, frustrated that life doesn't seem to make sense and I dont understand what God is doing. Frustrated with the struggles that I have and wondering where in the world is the Lord in the midst of all of it. It's the same cycles. The same frustrations. The same questions. It's these times when I want to toss it all to the wind, when I want to give up but at the same time know I wont.

It's that struggle of KNOWING that God is enough and all you need and actually BELIEVING it. Why is there such a misconnect there? Why does head and heart knowledge not automatically connect?! Life would be so much easier!

BUT THEN I get so frustrated with myself because in the bigger picture of the world.... my issues, my struggles, my frustrations are so incredibly small and stupid. Look at the whats going on in Japan or any third world country......my problems are nothing. Then why can't I just let them go?

This morning this song came on my ipod......and I cried.....why is it so easy to forget who we should run to first, who should hold our hearts, who will always be there?

   By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Dont take life for granted

It's so easy to focus on what we do not own, what we do not have, how life is lacking and how we wish things would change. Why is this? Why is that almost the natural route to go down? And why do we even let ourselves? It doesn't promote contenment or happiness, it doens't make you feel better about your life, it doesn't encourage you, it doesn't make you feel blessed and if anything it does the exact opposite. The grass is NEVER greener on the other side. You are NEVER going to have enough. You are NEVER going to think your life is perfect. You are NEVER going to be satisfied. There will always be junk going on, there will always be struggles, there will always be things we are waiting for and life will always be hard in one way or the other.

So, do I say that to be discouraging? No, not all! But maybe just to be realistic so we will stop thinking that we'll "feel" better about life once we get that perfect house or job or relationship or that hard time will pass. I think we spend so much time striving for those things that we miss what is right in front of us.

Do you ever feel like life is just screaming past you? That sometimes you dont want to sleep cause you will miss something? Then why are we spending so much time worrying about what we want and what we don't have? Or worrying about when this season will pass?

Yes, some seasons are HORRIBLE but I never enjoyed surviving one of those by focusing on the horriblness of it. That never helps. If anything it's just thrown me into a deeper and darker place. And once one season ends, another begins......and, at least in my experience, every season has some level of horrible to it.

I don't want to miss life. I don't miss the things God has for me on a daily basis because I'm so self consumed about the things I want to change or be different. And I do. A lot. And it's because I forget one thing. My level of contentment and being satisfied is directly connected to who or what I am seeking to be satisfied by. And there is only one place that I should be looking to for that. Only one place that wont let me down in that area. And those times when I feel like it has.....that has more to do with I started looking for it elsewhere again.

It's funny how easy we forget where our hope lies. It's in Christ and I forget that a lot. And He's way better at being in control than I am. I'm thankful for the unanswered prayers and I'm thankful that He hasn't given me all the things I want or I think I need.

I choose to place my hope in Him. I choose to be thankful for where I am. I choose to be joyful even when I'm not feeling it. I choose to not take today for granted and see the way that God is moving in my life and those around me.

Am I worth it?

I haven't written for a while. I think because every time I come to write the only thoughts that come are ones I'd rather not share or maybe it's more ones that have brought an amount of hurt. But it's lead me to a place again of seeking God for the answers of "am I worth it?". That's something I've struggled a lot with in the past. Feeling like I'm not "worth it" for people to pursue and fight to be in relationship with. I'm not sure when I first started feeling like that. I hated it. I've come along way since then and sure those thoughts, those feelings float back into my mind often but they are so much easier to deflect.

A lot of that has to do with the journey of the past coupe of years and first hand experiencing that I will never feel "enough" or "worth it" if I'm completely focused on me. So, those moments those thoughts come fleeting back I instead think of how I can love others and help them to feel "worth it". In a non arrogant sort of way, I know I am a valuable person to be in relationship with. I'm not perfect by any means but I genuinely care about others and desire to help them experience the love of Christ through me. Being a single woman in her late twenties I sometimes have those thoughts of whats wrong with me? But really I don't believe anything is. I have a lot to offer someone and it's just not God's timing yet. I know I have been an amazing girlfriend to the guys I've dated and none of them could say otherwise.

Which brings me to the subject of the recent questions of "being worth it". A guy from my past couple of weeks ago entered into flirting with me and I guess basically hitting on me. Honestly, it made me laugh a little bit and then made me angry at the same time. Did he really think I would enter into a flirting booty call? I knew he wasn't interested in pursuing me again. He'd always made that clear. But I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the fact that an ex wanted to flirt with me but I knew in the long run I needed to be careful and did my best to not engage in it. I mean I was finally completely and totally over this guy and there was NO way I wanted to get sucked back into something purely cause I missed having the life I dreamed of with "him".

But then the next week/weekend another guy from my past started texting me more and flirting a little bit. I got kinda excited. This was a guy I would go out with again. This was man who made me feel like a treasure and who showed such patience towards me. But this was also a man who completely broke my heart. The flirting intensified and some comments were said that were slightly inappropriate and out of character of the man I knew. I finally called him out and asked what he was doing and how I was confused. He then told me he was just messing around and would stop. I was mad. And I was hurt. It's interesting how I was so angry at this one but I wasnt to the first one. I wonder if that has to do with the reasons why both break ups happened and how the first I knew there was no question that he was just messing around.

But this one. I think I started hoping that maybe this was the start to the beginning again?! But it wasnt and I called him out. I told him it wasn't okay to get his "flirt fix" with an ex who he broke her heart and ended my little comment to him with "...looks like I'm good enough for exs to flirt with but not actually fight for or pursue...thanks for helping speak into that lie that I refuse to believe."

And I do. I REFUSE to believe that. I don't know why both those things happened right after each other. Maybe it was a test? I think I passed.

I'm thankful that the determining factor of whether I am worth it or not has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Christ.

Modern Day Slavery

Sex Trafficking is our modern day slavery. 

Did you know that 1.2 million children are trafficked every year; this is in addition to the millions already held captive by trafficking. That the average captive is forced to have sex up to 40 times a day? That the average age is 14 years old? Did you also know that by 2010 Sex Trafficking will be the number crime worldwide? (statistics taken from http://www.sheispriceless.com/learn-about-sex-trafficking/) And if you think it just happens in other countries.....you are wrong. If you think Americans don't get pulled into it you are also wrong. 

Last night I heard a story of two cousins who were on their way to Wendy's to get a frosty when they were taken. They were 14 and 15 years old. Their captors made one act/preform while they used the other one as leverage to make sure the performer was doing as was told. They worked the truck stops. They were some of the lucky ones who were rescued out of it. You can read the full story at www.iEmpathize.org

But think about this.....these are real people who are being taken into this lifestyle and used. Where were you at 14 years old? What would you feel if you made to do sexual acts for men who paid it....night after night, man after man? What if your daughter was taken? Your niece? Or even your son or nephew because it's not just girls who are being targeted. How would you feel? What would you do? What do you think these children are feeling? What hope would a 13 year old girl have as she lies in bed with strange men night after night? And even man after man every night?

It makes me sick. It makes me angry. It makes me yell at God. My heart hurts for these young hearts. What would I have been like if I had been caught up in that? If I was trafficked? Where would my faith have been at? Would I ever be able to believe there is a God who let such horrible things happen to me?

This is real. This really happens. It's so easy to turn your head and pretend it's not. But it is. And I want to help. I want to make a difference. I want to do something.

People. Help me out. In what ways can I get involved?! I know financially and supporting all the organizations out there who are doing awesome things but is that it?

Enjoy the Journey

My aunt called me this morning and said how I was on her mind (we had talked for a while yesterday) and she said "dont forget to enjoy the journey". I started crying.

Sept of 2007 for one of my classes at Moody we had to do a day of silence and I God spoke to me very profoundly that day. I wont go into the long story or type up the journal entry of that day but in a very real way God said to me that life isn't about finding the perfect spot to be, the perfect job, the perfect guy or have the perfect minstry. That life is about enjoying the journey, enjoying the journey of life with God. Taking time to smell the roses and see what's he wants to tell me every day. It's not about reaching perfection or reaching the absolute "perfect will of God".........life is about the journey that takes us there.

My aunt reminded me of that this morning. Enjoy the journey. Yes. This week has sucked. Yes. I cried myself to sleep last night. But can I enjoy that journey? Can I find the ways that God is whispering to me in the hard moments? Life is going to be hard. And there will be many more nights of crynig myself to sleep. But there will also be many more moments of Jesus sweetly reminding me what life is about. Like through my aunt this morning.

So, today......I'm just going along for the ride of whatever today is and enjoy the journey.

Understanding?

Do you have those moments when you feel like life is starting to make sense? That maybe, just maybe you are beginning to understand the recent events. That it's starting to make sense. There is hope for the future and excitement. Something I dream of is within arms reach.

In the matter of one phone call all that was dashed.

I don't care that I didn't get the job. I'm okay with it. I don't want to be somewhere that wasn't where I was suppose to be. This just means that God has something else for me.....right?

But what is hard is the rejection. Is the feeling that for some reason I wasnt enough to do a job that I would have poured my heart and soul into.

What is also hard is once again I'm back to not understanding or even have any idea. I hate it. ha. I wish I understood the past two years of my life.

Don't get me wrong I am thankful for many things in my life! I have so much to be thankful for and my life isn't terrible at all. I just wish I understood what God was doing in it and where He was taking me.

Life is a journey. I just don't have the answers to where it's going or why it's where it is now.

And. I. Hate. That.